Quirks
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: Every shinobi has a quirk that keeps them more or less insane. It's in the job description. But when a revenge prank on his father takes a life of it's own, Itachi finds that his is a little more...vocal than others. Meet Yoruichi Uchiha, the "illegitimate" daughter of Fugaku. Konoha will have to watch out, because this Uchiha version of the Red Hot Habenaro is here to stay!
1. Chapter 1

What had started as a rather petty prank on his father quickly spiraled out of control and took a life of it's own.

Itachi decided in a fit of spite to follow in the footsteps of the Red Habenaro, Kushina Uzumaki, after he saw his father hurt his brother. It wasn't that he physically hurt Sasuke...Itachi would have mauled him if he had, but the fact was that Fugaku wanted to follow Itachi on a mission around the same time Sasuke entered the Shinobi Academy for his first day.

He nipped that in the bud rather fast, but the truth was that Sasuke had known his 'father' had forgotten about the fact he had a second son.

And that pissed Itachi off immensely.

(Un?) Fortunately, Itachi knew exactly what he could do to put his father in the doghouse for the immediate future and royally piss off the increasingly irritating Elders at the same time.

He could create an illegitimate Uchiha...one that was directly related to Fugaku. If there was one thing the Uchiha hated, it was when someone claimed the bloodline but wasn't born to an acceptable woman to the clan. In other words, a bastard child.

His mother Mikoto, was a rather jealous woman who would be beyond furious if she found out Fugaku had cheated on her after they were married. So much so that she would make his life a living hell on earth.

So Itachi plotted against his father in a way his mother's genin teammate Kushina would have approved of. He did his research, waited until he found the perfect mission that would take him outside the borders of Hi no Kuni, well out of the way most Uchiha would dare to go...and upon his return created a shadow clone of himself as he used a henge to disguise himself as a female.

Going into Konoha as a boy could cause problems...the odds of him slipping and revealing it had been a prank were too high. A girl, on the other hand, was not his default state and made it easier to keep the two personalities seperate.

And so Yoruichi Uchiha was born. To be fair, this also doubled as an assignment he had put off because of how noticeable he was as Itachi.

* * *

Izumo and Kotetsu, collectively known as the Gate Guard duo because of how often they landed the duty (primarily because they kept causing pranks and angering the watch commander), were bored out of their minds. So the fact Itachi was returning with a rather attractive girl about the same age with long raven black hair and an already considerable developing bust had them hoping for some entertainment.

Maybe Itachi had found a girlfriend?

That thought came to a grinding halt the second the girl had taken one look at them, flashed a grin that was pure sin...and activated what could only be a fully-developed Sharingan. Their minds did a four-second standstill.

Itachi smirked at them.

"Itachi-san, who is this?"

"I found someone interesting while I was away on the outskirts of Kiri," he said, amusement clear in his voice. "Meet Yoruichi Uchiha... my half sister, according to her."

Stone Silence. That was the only way to describe it.

"Your...sister?"

"My mom met a Konoha nin shortly before the purges started by the name of Fugaku. I've been on the run for months since these dumb eyes activated," she explained.

By the time 'Yoruichi' had her bloodline confirmed at the hospital, despite the fact the only thing she owned were the clothes on her back because they villagers had burned down her home on the outskirts of Kiri, word had already spread to the Uchiha clan about the new girl claiming to be Fugaku's illegitimate daughter.

Mikoto, when she found the girl was Fugaku's child by blood, was _pissed_ beyond reason. Mainly because due to the girl's age (according to the Iryonin) she had to have been conceived roughly a year after they were married. And no matter how much he denied having cheated on her, the test was impossible to fake.

Yoruichi was his daughter.

Itachi would laugh silently at the misery he put his father through. And somehow, he just knew Kushina was laughing with him in the afterlife.

She definitely would have seen the humor in the way Itachi was making his father's life hell and getting away with it. As it was, Itachi got to enjoy making Fugaku as miserable as possible while giving those damn Elders coronaries because of a Sharingan and a female outside their control.

Oh yes...revenge was sweet.

* * *

Yoruichi was in the girl's side of the hot spring, using a hole that the females knew was there but couldn't get rid of. She was giving the guys a taste of their own medicine by peeping on them for a change, while giving critics of their 'assets' for the other women.

It horrified some of the more prudish older ladies, but the kunoichi were having a lot of fun taking turns with her and giving their own assessments of the guys in overly loud voices. Anko was particularly vocal.

"That was fun," grinned Anko. They had been forced to leave the hot springs for a while because the men complained...and an off-duty ANBU had threatened to turn them in to the police if they didn't knock it off.

Fugaku hated his 'daughter', and Yoruichi wanted nothing to do with the clan (outside of Sasuke, Itachi or rarely Shisui) as long as Fugaku denied he had a fling with her 'mother'.

If things kept going like this, Itachi would have to end the clan...though not before he revealed the fact that Yoruichi was just him in a henge and women's clothing sent to make his father's life a living hell.

Mikoto refused to even let her husband touch her, because Itachi took perverse glee in reminding her about the 'bastard child' by bringing up Yoruichi at the worst possible time. Or by getting Sasuke to do it for him.

The look on Fugaku's face was almost as entertaining as the fact that Itachi knew his mother went to the lone survivor of her genin team for comfort... Hitomi Hyuuga. Wife to the current head of the Hyuuga clan, Hiashi.

Hiashi had no problems with the fact his wife and the wife of the Uchiha clan head got up to some pretty questionable activities in the bedroom. So long as they remained discreet and avoided the Hyuuga clan house, it wasn't his problem.

Besides, the dislike between the two ran deep, so anything that made Fugaku more miserable than usual was fine in his book. Itachi briefly wondered if he should clue the Hyuuga in to his prank...but the fact Yoruichi doubled as his ANBU personal kept him from sharing it with them.

He was sure Hiashi would have a good laugh at Fugaku's expense if he knew the truth.

Back to Anko and Yoruichi though.

"Oh man, I haven't laughed that hard in ages! Did you see the looks on their faces when they realized what was going on?" cackled Anko.

Yoruichi snickered evilly.

"Not our fault the boys have a long list of...short...comings," said Yoruichi innocently with a waggle of her eyebrows. Anko cackled in agreement.

"So what do you want to do now?"

"I'm thinking...dango. Because for some reason every time I try to train an annoying Uchiha shows up determined to steal any skills I have. Bastards."

Yoruichi found it impossible to continue what little training she had because the Uchiha clan was determined to steal her skills. And since she preferred not to use her Sharingan to copy the abilities of others when she could earn them herself, that meant she had to find new places to train where they couldn't find her.

At this point, she was a regular visitor at the hospital...and she was scheduled to take the iryonin exam so she could get more advanced scrolls.

Most shinobi avoided the hospital like it was the plague, so it made perfect sense for her to go there to learn how to be a medic to piss off the Uchiha, who thought such duties were beneath them. Why should a 'mighty' Uchiha spend time helping their comrades and saving their lives? Let alone waste their precious chakra on them?

As a consequence, Yoru was becoming quite the medic.

After eating dango with Anko, Yoru came across the unhappy form of Sasuke.

"What's eating you chibi?" she asked, ruffling his hair.

"Itachi-nii poked me again and said he would train with me next time," pouted Sasuke.

Yoru bent down.

"Tell you what. I could use some practice with shuriken and kunai myself, so why don't we train together and rub Itachi's face in it?"

"And Tou-san's?" asked Sasuke impishly.

Sasuke knew that Itachi was using their new big sister as a way to get their father to back off on him. And Itachi suggested Sasuke use their new sister as a way to get back at their father for ignoring him.

Sasuke was all too happy to help Itachi make their dad unhappy because their mother would tense up every time they mentioned Yoru-nee-chan. Their parents never explicitly said it, but the existence of his new nee-chan was always a sore point between them.

Especially since Yoru-nee-chan refused to listen to their dad because he kept denying she was his daughter.

"Really?"

"Really. Want a ride?" she asked with a grin, leaning down so Sasuke could scramble up her back. Sasuke did so as fast as a monkey, his grin wide enough to practically split his face in two.

Itachi rarely had time for him, but Yoru-nee-chan almost always trained with him. Plus it was funny to see his father's face whenever he mentioned his sister in front of his mother. It was almost like he became constipated.

Itachi showed up shortly before they finished for the night, and took Sasuke home.

"Aniki, why are you in your ANBU gear?"

"I'm going on a mission tonight. To the Land of Ogres. I'll be back in a week, but I wanted to say goodbye to you and Yoru-chan first," he told his little brother.

Actually he had to swap out with Yoru before he left. No need to risk the prank after all...though the fact he got to embarrass his ANBU commander earlier was pretty funny.

* * *

Itachi did come back a week later, and almost immediately after giving his report went to visit Yoru. He promptly switched with a shadow clone and slipped into his female persona.

He needed it after what he just brought back.

In payment for his bodyguard mission for the priestess that ruled the Land of Ogres, he was allowed to keep one jutsu from their private archives. Most would have gone after their flashy or powerful jutsu.

Itachi chose one that surprised his employer.

The private guards had a jutsu that, when used, would allow them to permanently take the form of someone else. It was so thorough that the first time it was used, an iryonin confirmed the transformation was so complete that the test subject could have become pregnant in that form.

The reason they were surprised was because outside of the private guard of the priestess, there wasn't much call for a jutsu that allowed a permanent transformation.

However Itachi did have a use for it. If what he feared became true, and the Uchiha clan went through with their plans of taking the Hokage seat by force, then he needed a way to disappear.

If he had to, then he would become Yoruichi permanently.

"Aniki! You're home!" said Sasuke with relief.

"Hello otouto. How was the Academy while I was gone?"

Sasuke's good mood vanished.

"What happened?"

"Father's become angrier every time Yoru-nee-san is mentioned. He's all but forbidden her name while you were gone," said Sasuke.

Itachi frowned.

"How bad is it?"

"He's had some of the older members collect me every day at the Academy, so I haven't been able to see her at all while you were away."

Itachi leaned down to eye level.

"Sasuke, I want you to listen to me very carefully. Father and the other Elders have been acting rather irrational of late, even more so since Yoru-chan came here. If there is ever a moment when you are coming back to the compound and you feel like something is wrong, I want you to head straight for Yoru's apartment and stay there."

"Aniki?"

"Something bad is coming. I don't know what it is, but I've noticed it's been coming faster and faster lately. I don't want to worry about my favorite otouto being hurt by whatever this is," said Itachi.

Sasuke saw how serious his brother was being, and nodded. If he ever came home and sensed something was wrong, he would head right to Yoruichi's apartment without hesitation. If _Itachi_ was worried, then something really, really bad was about to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Itachi was feeling a strain. Ever since he started hearing whispers of overthrowing the Hokage, he knew that his time as 'Itachi' was slowly dwindling. To make it even worse, there was a shadow of an orange mask that had been hanging around the Uchiha.

Thankfully, his alter ego Yoruichi had yet to be discovered. A good thing too, because her antics were becoming increasingly erratic ever since his father started to crack down on Itachi even more. The prodigy suspected his bastard of a father was planning to put his son in the Hokage's seat, something Itachi absolutely did not want.

He was still pissed that Danzo kept sending out feelers for his 'sister'...not many knew of Root, but those who did were properly wary of attracting the attention of the one who lead it.

He wondered how that one-eyed bastard would react to the fact Itachi had finally developed a 'escape' from the rigors of shinobi life. Particularly ANBU.

All shinobi had to have one, otherwise their minds would snap and they would become either useless or go homicidal on their allies.

He could still picture his ANBU commander's face when he heard Itachi had made a counter identity for his Mask, but that he was willing to let the ANBU find out who it was.

Yoruichi had been considered multiple times, but Itachi was very proud to say that she had been dismissed every time. Her personality was the perfect opposite to Itachi, which made it very unlikely she _was_ Itachi.

Kushina was definitely rolling in her grave laughing. Itachi was pranking the entire village and no one suspected a thing.

Then again, she would likely also be amused that Itachi based Yoruichi's entire personality on _her_ to start with. Even her form was based on Kushina, just with Uchiha features and a Sharingan.

And while it was weird being a genin again (on probation for a year), Itachi could honestly say he preferred it. Being a jounin was too much of a headache, even if he _did_ have to capture that damn cat all over again.

Even Sasuke was picking up on something bad happening, whether it was from watching Itachi or the other clan members.

Either way he had taken to going straight to Yoruichi's apartment close to the slums almost immediately after class. Because she was on probation, she didn't have regular missions like the other genin. She usually spent her days training with her little brother and improving on his skills while keeping her own sharp.

Besides, it wasn't like Itachi hadn't already transferred most of his cash to Yoruichi anyway. A move that pissed off Fugaku and the Elders in one fell swoop.

* * *

"Itachi, are you absolutely certain that is what you heard?" asked the Hokage, dead serious. This wasn't the kindly old grandfather...this was the Village leader.

"Hai, Hokage-sama. The last _two_ meetings have been about how they will start a coup to install an Uchiha as Hokage. I came to inform you as soon as safely possible," said Itachi seriously.

"And what of your sister?"

"Yoru-nee-chan has never been invited to these meetings, as the Elders and Fugaku do not have a death wish. My mother has been increasingly vocal about what she wishes to do to my father's genitals every time we bring up his illegitimate daughter," said Itachi, trying not to laugh.

Left unspoken was the fact Itachi and Sasuke were tag-teaming against the man in an effort to have him castrated in the most bloody method imaginable via his increasingly homicidal wife. Revenge was sweet.

Even if his prank really was getting out of hand. He was starting to have doubts if Yoruichi would remain a prank or be delegated to his escape from being the prodigy child of the Uchiha clan.

Itachi continued with his report, barely keeping his glare away from Danzo. The one-eyed warhawk gave him a bad feeling, and if not for the fact that Yoruichi was known as a user of the shadow clone (she claimed Itachi taught her how), the man might have suspected something was up after all the times his agents went to capture her, only for her to pop into a now familiar smoke.

It was for this reason Itachi began leaving two clones. One to go outside, the other to show up in the village if the first popped to continue the ruse. Sure it left him weaker than normal at the start of a mission, but it was a necessary sacrifice.

When Itachi left the office, he was frowning. He didn't _like_ spying on his own family. He had the worst feeling that it was leading up to something irreversible.

He had the worst feeling that this was going to end up with 'Itachi' being killed by Yoruichi, and assuming his female half permanently to avoid something even worse happening.

Frankly he was sick of being the 'Uchiha Prodigy'. At least Yoruichi got to be herself and live life by her terms, not how Fugaku dictated.

* * *

Sasuke was not as oblivious as his parents thought. Itachi knew he was smart, which was why he didn't bother to hide the truth from him. Something the seven-year-old appreciated. While some things were a bit above his head, the fact Itachi trusted him with the truth was more than most older brothers did.

Which was why, a week before Shisui was found dead at the river, Itachi trusted him with a great secret.

Sasuke always wondered why Yoruichi-nee-san was so much like his brother, and knew things when she hadn't been there.

Now he knew. Yoruichi was Itachi's way of pranking their father in a way that they couldn't be blamed for. Sasuke greatly enjoyed the way their father always looked constipated whenever 'she' was mentioned, or the fact that their mother spent more time with them in order to avoid their father. Sasuke was thrilled to be trusted with such an important secret.

Like Itachi told him... if he could keep something like this secret, then he would have an easier time keeping quite about important ones later on once he was a chunin or later a jounin.

Plus this way Sasuke got to spend time with his brother without Itachi being dragged off to do shinobi things. A fact he relished.

It also eased the strain of having to hide the fact Yoruichi was his outlet. Itachi hated having to hide something like that from his baby brother.

* * *

Itachi stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes had been giving him grief since he was forced to kill Shisui last night. Because he feared Danzo would try to get his hands on his cousin's Sharingan, Itachi had laced the body with a rare poison that was developed by the Hyuuga to destroy a doujutsu without leaving a trace.

It was something that was never used anymore, not since they developed that damnable curse seal for their branch members.

As Yoruichi, Itachi was became privy to some rather obscure medical knowledge that he found fascinating. Once this mess was finished, he fully planned to stay an Iryo nin, if only to learn more.

Itachi had a grim smile. If Danzo sought to make use of Shisui's unique Sharingan, which was especially good at subtle genjutsu that was almost impossible to detect, then he would be in for a nasty surprise. The poison was geared towards harming anyone who tried to steal the eyes from their rightful owner after death. Once the eye was removed, it would slowly kill the thief unless the counter agent was applied.

And considering this particular poison hadn't been used since before even the _Hokage_ was born, it was unlikely Danzo would find the antidote in time to live.

Finally Itachi couldn't take it anymore. He activated his Sharingan...and got the shock of his life.

Mangekyo Sharingan. Supposedly the second stage of towards the 'true' power of the doujutsu. But it had a heavy price...the damn thing made the eyes worse, leading to the eventual blindness in the user. There was also a risk of a debilitating disease.

Itachi was quite possibly the only Uchiha who didn't flash his eyes during every battle. It was why he was so well liked among his fellow ANBU.

He _earned_ his skills, dammit. Sure it meant he had to train even harder, but the end result was that he had a much better grasp of the jutsu he did know than his own family did. They were little more than a clan of thieves.

Just another complication in the farce that was his life. Killing his old self and becoming his alter ego was looking more and more appealing by the day.

* * *

He couldn't believe his ears.

"You want me to what?"

Danzo sneered at him.

"It is clear that there is no point in negotiating with the Uchiha. We must end the clan for the good of the village."

"What about the children? I refuse to kill my sister or brother," growled Itachi. It was the most emotion that he had shown in years.

"We are not going to kill the children. But the adults, unfortunately, will have to be taken out," said the Hokage firmly.

He hated it as much as Itachi clearly did, but he wasn't about to let a civil war break out just because one clan got above themselves.

Itachi didn't like this one bit. He was fairly certain that the Uchiha clan had a genjutsu on them by the man with the orange mask, but no proof. And without proof, his clan was going to be massacred.

At least Sasuke knew to head straight to Yoruichi the moment school let out, if only because she had no issues with helping him with his homework. Fugaku might have been pissed, but as Itachi so _helpfully_ pointed out, Yoruichi had more than enough free time to help Sasuke, and it helped her with becoming part of the village.

Itachi was pleased to note (though he hid it with ease) that Danzo seemed to be a bit peaky. He knew the signs of the poison, which would automatically center the biggest dose inside the eyes themselves.

Danzo was showing the first signs of it. Impatient bastard.

* * *

Itachi was getting ready for another mission inside the village when his nose detected the first hints of trouble. There was no logical reason for him to pick up the smell of blood this close to the compound.

He went in, and he was horrified with what he saw.

There was a massacre. Men, women, children...whoever did this didn't care who they killed.

He ran into his own home, and found his parents being held captive by the man in the orange mask. Itachi's eyes shifted to the secondary Sharingan. The stranger looked rather pleased by this, but Itachi shoved it out of his mind.

He managed to drive the stranger with the Sharingan off, but it was too late to save his mother. And knowing anything that happened here would be blamed on the murderer, Itachi made a split decision. His father was fading anyway.

"Itachi..."

"Yes, Fugaku? Considering there's no way I'd be able to save you because I don't have the skill, I suppose it's only fair you learn something I've been hiding for well over a year now," said Itachi pleasantly.

If the bastard was going to die anyway, then it was long past time to end his prank on him.

Fugaku's eyes widened when Itachi seemed to...shift...for lack of the better word.

"Surprise! Your 'illegitimate' daughter was really me in drag. I have to admit, I never expected my prank to pan out this well," said Yoruichi/Itachi with glee.

Fugaku died with a look of horrified shock on his face.

It was totally worth waiting to tell him the truth, just to see that expression on his face.

Itachi ran out of the compound, heading straight for "Yoruichi's" apartment. He couldn't risk his 'sister' being killed, even if she wasn't part of the massacre.

But he also alerted the ANBU to the attack on the compound, and that he was heading off to try and stop the killer.

Sure enough, the masked bastard was in 'her' apartment. He looked pissed.

"Where is she?" he demanded.

"Someplace you'll never find her," snarled Itachi. He made sure that the village watch got a good look at the creep when he blew out the wall. The ANBU all saw him clear as day, and the fact Itachi engaged him with a vengeance.

Sasuke was already picked up and deposited at the ANBU headquarters while they tried to find Yoruichi.

Itachi left the standard two clones, one of which remained disguised as himself...only it was armed with enough explosive notes to make it look like he performed a suicide attack. No way in hell was he getting stuck as Itachi when it was likely they would put even _more_ pressure on him to repopulate the Uchiha clan after this.

At least as Yoruichi, who was known to have Uchiha blood but was never officially _part_ of the clan, he could escape most of that crap. Besides...he had no idea if he _could_ become pregnant, even after he performed the jutsu.

* * *

**Okay, just to head off any questions as to which jutsu Itachi is referring to, there is a scene in the Naruto Shippuden movie (the first one) where one of the priestess' guards turns into her as a way to act as a permanent body double. Sakura is the one to stumble upon him, where he becomes Shion, in form at least.**

**Itachi, when he discovered this particular jutsu, asked to have a copy of it as part of his payment for a mission in the land of Ogres. Because it's only considered useful for people willing to act as permanent body doubles, they agreed to let him have a copy. The Hokage is aware he got a jutsu scroll out of the deal, but because it was something the village had no real use for, it was never mentioned in the mission report officially.**


	3. Chapter 3

"What a mess," said Sarutobi.

Shortly after being alerted to the attack, the ANBU found Itachi engaging the unknown assailant in his sister's apartment. Yoruichi was found two hours later, exhausted from over training in the Forest of Death. How she managed to slip into that place, no one had any idea. However it had saved her life.

Itachi, the one who discovered the intruder, then proceeded to try one last ditch effort to kill the murderer...which killed him in the process. He used so many explosive tags that it would be impossible to recover any of the body. Sadly, the intruder managed to escape in the process, but not without grievous injury.

Sasuke, thankfully, had been spared the worst of it. He had been retrieved by Kakashi the second Itachi alerted them to the attack on the clan, and therefor hadn't seen the mess. No child should see the bodies of their clan.

"Sir? Yoruichi is awake," said Badger.

The old Hokage sighed. That was some good news at least.

Time to see if she had any information, or better yet why the hell she was in that particular forest to begin with.

* * *

Yoruichi (and she was Yoruichi permanently now) looked at the hospital ceiling with no little sense of relief.

She had done it. She had faked her death, protected her brother and had left the stress Itachi had suffered for years far behind. Yes, she was once the jounin known as Itachi, but to be honest she would rather remain Yoruichi.

The door opened, revealing the Hokage.

Somehow, she had the feeling she was going to enjoy getting one over the old man.

The Hokage noted that there was some amusement in the girl's eyes, which was odd.

"Clear and seal the room," he told his ANBU guard. They would leave the two of them alone, but they would also stay just outside in case of attack. No more than a split second away from the Hokage in case of trouble.

"Now, care to explain why you were in Area forty-four, Yoruichi-san?"

"I needed a plausible excuse for the chakra exhaustion."

That made the Hokage blink.

"And why would you need that?"

"Well if I wanted to get rid of my old self, then I would have to explain why Itachi is no longer around and why I barely had enough chakra to fight with."

That got his attention.

"Explain, now."

Yoruichi's smirk was entirely too much like Kushina's at that moment.

"You are aware that I showed up shortly after Itachi came back from Kiri, correct?"

The Hokage said nothing, but it was clear he remembered that day rather well. It wasn't often Fugaku made such a 'mistake' like that.

"What Itachi never told anyone was that I am not actually his sister at all."

"The blood test clearly said you were related to Fugaku by blood."

"And you never thought it odd how I resembled Kushina Uzumaki so closely or had a similar personality?" she countered cheekily.

The Hokage blinked once, twice...then... "You're not a girl at all, are you?"

"Hard to believe my ANBU commander missed the fact I came up with the perfect cover ID for the mask, and never once picked up on it, despite the subtle hints I threw his way. Of course the entire thing was a way to get back at that bastard Fugaku for all the crap he put me through... I never expected it to work this well though," she said grinning evilly.

The Hokage couldn't help it. He started laughing. The sheer brilliance of Itachi's trick was not lost on him.

He was aware of ANBU training practices. One of which was to make a cover identity to claim the mask's identity for the village. Which included background information and an identity they could slip into perfectly. Itachi had reported he was successful in creating his identity, but had failed to say who it was.

Even Kakashi had been unable to find the alter ego Itachi had created.

"So how long are you going to keep up this henge?"

"It's not a henge. It's a permanent transformation. I refuse to deal with that crap again," she told him flatly.

"What about Sasuke?"

"He is the only one, outside of you, who is aware of the fact Yoruichi was once Itachi. He thought it was hilarious to keep rubbing it in our _father's_ face as a way to piss him off, once I told him the truth."

The Hokage sighed. This was a mess and a half. On the plus side, at least he knew he hadn't lost one of his best and most loyal shinobi as he had originally believed.

Itachi was still alive, but he chose to keep his outlet rather than go back to the way things were. And frankly, considering the fact the council was already clamoring over who would adopt the last Uchiha, he could understand perfectly well why.

"I'll bring the paperwork for you to adopt Sasuke. As far as I'm concerned, you two can live on your own. You're more than capable of handling living on your own for a while."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama."

He left the girl to recover from her complete chakra exhaustion.

Itachi Uchiha died a hero, that had not changed. However Yoruichi Uchiha would go far if her origins were any indication.

At least he didn't have to worry about her snapping like he had Itachi. Fugaku had pushed his son far too hard, so the fact he had done something this drastic as a way to break free of that wasn't as surprising as one would think.

The fact he had managed to hide the truth so effectively for so long, despite the fact the ANBU had tried to find it however, was nothing short of a miracle and a testament to how good Itachi was. Especially with how damn nosy shinobi were.

* * *

It was the talk of the village. The brave Itachi who sacrificed himself in an attempt to kill the murderer, only for it to fail. The poor orphans Yoruichi and Sasuke, who were left alone in the world.

Yoruichi was promptly given full clearance as a regular genin of Konoha, her probation abruptly cut short in light of recent events, and full custody of her brother given to her. Thanks in part to the fact they were both of the Uchiha bloodline, Yoruichi also had full control of the bank accounts left behind. They would still get a stipend, as they couldn't access the entire Uchiha fortune until she reached Chunin, but at least she didn't have to worry about some idiot trying to steal what was rightfully theirs.

Sasuke was just glad that Yoruichi didn't have to keep switching with a clone anymore. She could stay with him full time.

She did her missions early in the day while Sasuke was at school, and then trained with him at night. That way he could still be with his sister without having to worry about her.

Since he was well aware of who Yoruichi _used _to be, he was glad for the fact she cared enough to fake her own death just to stay with him.

Apparently there had been another plan where Itachi was known as the culprit and became a spy. He had disliked it greatly, because he knew it would needlessly traumatize his brother, so the ability to escape that and stay with him was something she was grateful for.

She would rather chose to lose her original gender, rank and identity and gain a new one if it meant keeping her brother safe from harm.

Sasuke was just glad they didn't have to deal with the massive out pour of people trying to cache in on the Uchiha name. By giving Yoruichi automatic custody of the only 'minor' of the clan left, there was actually no reason to split them apart. She was already perfectly capable of keeping them afloat until he reached genin age and had displayed that she was a competent manager of her money.

However it was what happened a few scant months after the massacre that would change things all over again.

That was when Yoruichi finally caught some civilians trying to kill the child called Naruto Uzumaki just because of what he contained.

Itachi had been unable to help Kushina's son for years because of who he was and the fact Fugaku hated Naruto. Now that the Uchiha were all gone (save the two of them) she no longer had to hold back. It was past time someone did something.

* * *

"You want to _what?_" said the Hokage dumbfounded.

"I want to formally adopt Naruto Uzumaki into our small family. The only reason I haven't done anything before now was because the clan would never consent to having him in the compound. Now that they're gone, I can finally take him in properly without having to deal with the outcry," said Yoruichi flatly.

She adored Aunt Kushina, who had been a breath of fresh air while she was alive. Her death had come as a hard blow, because she had tried to introduce Itachi to pranks.

Out of all of Mikoto's friends, Kushina was the only one who ever saw Itachi, not the prodigy Uchiha who became a genin at the age of seven.

"I can't let you adopt Naruto. There are factors..." started the Hokage.

Yoruichi leveled a flat glare at him.

"Don't start that bull with me. You know perfectly well that I'm aware of what, or more specifically _who_ he is related to. I refuse to let him suffer in that shit hole he calls home another minute just because the council hates him for something he has no control over. I'm sure Kushina would prefer her son was raised by someone who knew and loved her than let him live on the streets like the worst traitor. Even Anko is treated better than he is, and that's because they actually know she will retaliate in kind. Naruto refuses to fight back because he knows the civilian council will use it against him," said Yoruichi flatly.

"Watch your tone," said the Hokage, without any real heat.

Yoruichi didn't apologize. She had fashioned the base of the personality for this body around what she remembered of Kushina. And it showed.

The Hokage rubbed his eyes. He was getting too old for this damn job. And Danzo was no better...he had been looking worse of late.

"Are you sure you can handle two boys? Especially one as hyper as Naruto?"

"If I wasn't able to handle small children, I never would have taken as many babysitting missions as I have," she stated flatly.

She was highly requested by the mothers of the village, as the children absolutely adored her.

"Very well. I suppose I can put this on a probationary term. If you can prove you can handle Naruto and Sasuke for a year, he will become your ward."

"At the very least, he can take one of the empty apartments in the Uchiha district," offered Yoruichi. The Hokage nodded in agreement.

Only time would tell if this new arrangement would work out.

* * *

"What do you mean the dobe is going to be living with us?" asked Sasuke petulantly.

"Dobe?" said Yoruichi.

"Naruto. He's the class moron," explained Sasuke.

"From what I've seen of his school books, it's no wonder he has trouble with the work. Someone has been deliberately sabotaging his performance."

Yoruichi had taken one look at Naruto's school books and had torched them. She had then promptly bought proper replacements, claiming she had used a fire jutsu while Sasuke did his homework that had gotten out of hand. No one questioned the lie.

Why would they? Uchiha were known for being firebugs.

Sasuke blinked.

"Someone was making sure he didn't do well?"

"I destroyed his books for a reason. They were heavily altered," said Yoruichi flatly.

Naruto, for the most part, was transplanting his garden to the roof. When informed that he might be allowed to live with the last Uchiha, he had jumped on the chance. Yoruichi had always been nice to him, and had even paid for his ramen a few times. He could put up with Sasuke if it meant he wouldn't have to live in that crappy apartment ever again.

"Still... Do I have to put up with the dobe?"

"If it makes you feel any better, you don't have to share a room with him. He'll be living with us and training with us, but I expect you two to be civil to each other at the very least. You don't have to be best friends," said Yoruichi annoyed.

"But why the dobe?"

"Because I knew his mother, and she would be furious if she knew how the village treated her son."

That shut Sasuke up, which made her happy because he was seriously starting to press her nerves.

Naruto was about to come in, dirty from transferring his plants to the roof, but Yoruichi wasn't having any of that.

"Take a shower. You can have dinner after. And I expect you to change into _clean_ clothes and leave the dirty ones in the hamper for later. We can work out a chore rotation once you get settled in," she instructed him firmly.

"What's a hamper?" he asked. He wasn't going to complain about a hot shower or clean clothes after.

"I'll show you," said Sasuke finally.


	4. Chapter 4

A few months after being taken in by the older Uchiha, the Hokage reluctantly admitted that she could handle having two boys in her care. Naruto flourished under the attention of someone who actually _cared_ and could handle giving him individual attention to his training. He honestly had no idea the boy was mildly dyslexic, and that the reason why he had trouble focusing was because his mind was quite literally going a hundred thoughts at any given time.

Yoruichi introduced him to fuinjutsu, seeing as how genjutsu or anything that required fine-tuned control like medical jutsu was simply out of the question. And the moment he got the hang of the shadow clone, his grades shot up from the lowest of the low to match that of Sasuke, who was at the top of the class.

Naruto could exploit the shadow clone in a way few could match. Especially when Yoruichi capitalized on the fact that they could transfer memories. Sure, he got his homework done in a fraction of the time, but he needed that sort of boost. If each clone only focused on one thing at a time, then he was able to absorb (and more importantly _remember_) it nine times out of ten.

Sasuke had initially been jealous of all the extra attention given to Naruto, until Yoruichi reminded him that once he got his Sharingan, she would teach him all the little tricks so that it was fully matured in half the time it normally took, and that no matter what he would always be her little brother.

That seemed to pacify him.

* * *

"The Chunin exam is coming up again," said the Hokage.

Yoruichi was having the monthly visit with the Hokage.

"And?"

"We're hosting it this time. We both know it's a formality more than anything, but you still need to compete at least once before you can properly transfer to the Konoha hospital as a combat iryonin."

People with a combat medic license almost always became chunin if they managed to make it to the third stage. And if Yoruichi made it that far (and she would, they both knew) then she could transfer to the hospital and become a full doctor.

She had excellent control, as she specialized in genjutsu and medical jutsu. She had already become good friends with Kurenai (and by extension Anko because she didn't give a damn about who her former teacher was), and had even shared a few genjutsu the Uchiha had collected with the woman.

Medic nin didn't have to leave the village like the ANBU did. They could stick around, and it was only the hospital hours that kept them from being stuck on patrol.

They were also few and far between, mostly because of the control one needed and the ability to stomach the worst injuries.

Yoruichi had originally volunteered at the hospital to avoid the Uchiha and piss off Fugaku. It was also one of the few places Itachi normally didn't go, which made it easier to maintain her cover.

Now she was doing it solely so she could stay in the village and watch over her two little brothers. Yes, she wouldn't be home most of the day...but she would also be on hand in case anything happened.

Besides, since she became a medic, Naruto had been receiving the care he should have gotten. Little things like vaccinations and actual treatment when he was hurt.

She looked like she was seriously considering it.

"You do realize I don't have a team, right?"

"There are times when we can forgo the team entry. And there is one team that is down one member because their third was already promoted. We both know you can handle most of what they could possibly throw at you," said the Hokage smirking.

"Let's see...go through that headache again and become chunin all over again, or do another Tora mission. To hell with it, I'm sick of Tora and those crappy D-ranks."

"I had a feeling you would say that. Here's the form."

Yoruichi signed it without hesitation. She just had to meet her temporary team on the date, and they would be in.

* * *

"I can't believe we're stuck with the damn Uchiha nut job," said the male on her temporary team.

"Suck it up you ass. At least we know she's competent, which is more than I can say about your lazy ass," snarled the kunoichi.

"She also has good hearing," said Yoru dryly, glaring at the male. She could tell this Inuzuka needed to know who the alpha was, or she'd have no end of trouble from him during the second part.

She took two quick steps towards the Inuzuka, who she didn't bother to learn the name of, grabbed him by his collar and looked him dead in the eye. She could see the girl's approving gaze.

"Listen and listen well punk. I don't give a damn if you're part of a clan, have been in more C-ranks than me, or believe that girls are weak because of their gender. If you try to pull any of that alpha dominance crap on me, I'll put you down so fast you'll think your precious clan head is a saint during that time of the month. Are we clear, _dog_," she said flatly.

The Inuzuka's eyes were wide, as were the eyes of his canine partner.

"I said. _Are. We. Clear_?" she repeated in a far too sweet tone.

"Yes..."

"Yes what?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Good. If you try to pull that alpha crap on me, I'll kick your ass. Behave, and you'll find becoming chunin with me on your team is a guarantee, so long as you don't do anything particularly stupid. I take care of my team, even if it is temporary," said Yoru calmly.

The other kunoichi chuckled.

"Oh I like you. It's about damn time someone put this asshole in his place. If I had to hear one more pick up line from him..."

"Best way to deal with that is to establish dominance. Inuzuka follow a pack mentality, particularly in the males. If he believes you're a higher pack member, he won't be nearly as annoying."

When he saw the evil gleam in his teammate's eyes, he winced. There went his chances of being top dog in his team.

* * *

The Hokage couldn't help it. He knew he was seeding the exam, sending her in...but this was too funny.

She had established herself as an Alpha with the Inuzuka, managed to piss off Ibiki and ruin the whole first test by bringing a fiction that happened to be a well-known comedy and proceeding to laugh in the presence of the head interrogator, flirted outrageously with Anko outside the forest to the point she was able to steal the required scroll and beat the course time by such a wide margin that it was impossible for them to prove she cheated even if she did it _before_ the actual test had started, and then to top it all off she won the tournament at the end in record time.

Perhaps he should have sent her to another village for the exam...it would have been hilarious to see what she would have done. Hard to believe she used to be the epitome of all things Uchiha before she decided that she would rather being a black-haired Kushina.

Still great fun to watch though.

* * *

Anko was toasting her new favorite chunin for the fifth time. She knew the girl would make it to chunin...the other morons didn't stand a chance against someone as devious as Yoru-chan!

The only one with enough damn sense to steal the opposite scroll before the second exam even started, earning her a butt load of cash with the bet Anko had made on her behalf that she would break all the records in terms of getting to the tower. They hadn't even taken an hour to do it!

Anko was very drunk with a small _portion_ of what Yoru won her with that bet. Best of all, no one would be able to beat it! Ever!

Yoru wisely didn't drink as much. Just because she was a chunin now didn't mean she was allowed out of her rotation at the hospital. Healing people was hard enough without a hangover.

Well that and last time she made chunin, she had gotten so roaring drunk to deal with her bastard father's bragging that the resulting hangover had made her determined never to experience a similar one ever again.

By the time she got home, she found an unhappy Sasuke waiting.

"What?"

"Now that you're a chunin again, does this mean you'll be gone for a long time like before?"

Whatever tension she felt went away at that. Of course Sasuke would remember the endless stream of annoying missions their father forced her to take.

"Of course not. For one thing I'm registered as an iryonin at the hospital. I'm more likely to be exhausted from healing people all day than training. Because I work at the hospital, I don't have to take as many missions like before. Meaning I get to spend more time with you and Naruto," she told him.

Sasuke looked relieved. He liked this new version of his 'sister', because she actually spent more time with him and kept her promises. Even if she did keep that annoying habit of poking his head.

"Now, I do believe I promised you two stories tonight didn't I?"

Yoruichi was old enough to remember the Fourth Hokage, and his secret wife Kushina. It was her way of telling Naruto about his parents without actually _telling_ them who they were. In additions, she also got stories from Kakashi about the Fourth and his wife...though she had to part with something that had been bothering him for months.

He was out of the ANBU on leave, primarily because the Hokage refused to let him work himself to death. She had to tell him who she actually was.

Needless to say she greatly enjoyed the look on Kakashi's face when he found out that 'Yoruichi' was really Itachi who chose to go female rather than be stuck as the Uchiha prodigy for the rest of his life. Finding out Itachi had been so desperate for an escape that he was willing to lose his bits and become completely female (and boy, was Yoruichi shocked to learn she _could_ become pregnant after the first time her period started)...well, Kakashi had to look at his former subordinate in a new light after that.

Finding out that Itachi had based his female persona after one of the few people he knew very well that was as un-Uchiha as possible...well that actually didn't surprise him. Now that he knew the truth, he could see the pieces of Kushina's personality in Yoruichi.

Hell, she even _looked_ like Kushina, only with Uchiha features being dominate.

Still, Yoruichi managed to rope Kakashi into telling the boys all sorts of stories about the Fourth Hokage and his wife Kushina. He never explicitly told them about the fact he was Naruto's father, but it was a rather clever way to tell the boy about his parents without actually _telling_ him who they were.

The Hokage was actually quite impressed with the trick, once he found out. He only said Naruto wasn't allowed to know who his parents were until he was chunin. He never said that the friends of his parents couldn't tell him about two well known heroes.

It had the added effect of dragging up old memories of Kushina, which caused Yoruichi to adjust as necessary.

* * *

Danzo was sick. He knew someone had managed to poison him, but he had never found out how. He was so paranoid he double checked everything and found not even the barest wisp of a poison.

Even his own personal medic nin could find no reason for his sudden illness.

Then, on October tenth, exactly ten years after the Kyuubi attack, Danzo collapsed during a meeting of the Konoha council. He was declared dead an hour later, as there was no way to reverse the damage done by the poison.

It wasn't until the autopsy that the source of the deadly poison was found. A Sharingan eye, implanted in Danzo's own head, held traces of a rare and unknown poison. The same one that killed him.

The Hokage, when he discovered Danzo's grim secret, immediately called Yoruichi to his office and sealed it.

"Danzo collapsed in the middle of a Konoha Council meeting. His body revealed several implanted Sharingan, including one that had traces of an unknown poison that killed him."

"It's about damn time," was her immediate response. She promptly shut up, realizing she had revealed too much.

"Explain!" he barked.

"After the death of Shisui Uchiha, I injected a lost poison developed by the Hyuuga before they started that Caged Bird seal crap. It's primary purpose was to discourage line theft of doujutsu. The fact he died of it means he stole Shisui's eye in the hopes of using it's unique ability to place almost untraceable genjutsu on it's victims. Had he left the dead alone, he would still be alive," she stated flatly and without remorse.

The Hokage sagged in his chair.

"You killed Danzo?"

"No. I insured that my cousin's body would be left in peace and discouraged anyone trying to steal his eyes in a manner my former father would have approved of. I didn't force that fool to take the eyes and get the poison in his system," she stated.

The Hokage conceded her point. She only did what any clan of doujutsu users would have done. Booby trapped the body of a dead clansmen in an effort to prevent the secrets from being used against them. The fact Danzo fell prey to her trap was not of her doing, but his own damn fault.

The worst part was that he couldn't actually pin the blame on his death to her! It had been Itachi who killed Shisui, and Danzo took the eye of his own free will.

"Either way this is a mess and a half."

"Sorry."

He could tell she wasn't. But at least she pretended to be apologetic.


	5. Chapter 5

The first time Jiraiya meet Yoruichi while spying on the girls in the public hot springs, he got the shock of his life.

For a short time, he thought Kushina had come back to life as a raven-haired girl.

This belief was further compounded by the fact that the moment the girl realized someone else was trying to spy through the hole in the fence, she promptly drew her leg back...and kicked it down to the shock of the women who were quick to scramble with their towels.

The second they saw Jiraiya, they realized why she broke the fence, and proceeded to maul him.

Coincidentally, when some of the girls got a good, unobstructed view of a few of the off-duty shinobi, they quickly found themselves with girlfriends. Kakashi included, to his surprise.

Jiraiya was not included among this number.

"Girl's got one hell of a right hook," said Jiraiya to his former sensei.

Sarutobi was trying very, very hard not to laugh his ass off. If only Jiraiya knew.

"Ero-sannin, I have your medication," said the nurse sweetly.

The Hokage about cracked a rib laughing.

"Who came up with that one?" he asked Yoru.

"Naruto, when he asked if it was true I broke the wall at the hot spring because of a pervert. I told him about Jiraiya, and he promptly came up with the name Ero-sannin," said Yoru unrepentant.

Jiraiya stared. Up close, and unhindered by the fence, the resemblance to Kushina was impossible to miss. The only problem being that the girl was clearly an Uchiha with those looks, not an Uzumaki.

"If you don't quit leering at me, I'll have the female doctors schedule a check of your colon with you still awake with the most unattractive male doctors we have...without clothes," she threatened.

"Or you could tell him who you really are," suggested the Hokage, his grin almost splitting his face. The look on the super-pervert's face would almost be worth it.

"Why not wait for the maximum impact?" she said.

Like if she ever caught him ogling her ass or breasts.

The Hokage's grin said volumes.

* * *

Tsunade was coming home. Not because she had gotten over her issues, or that she cared to, but because the Hokage's last message (via Jiraiya) said that he had a test subject she might find fascinating that would be very interested in learning her ways as a medic nin who wouldn't complain about her habit of using them to get her sake or as target practice.

She was aware that the land of Ogres had a jutsu which supposedly created a _perfect_ body double in the event the priestess or priest needed on. A permanent transformation that was irreversible. However using it generally went hand in hand as being used as a scape goat, so no one was sure if it really _was_ permanent or how thorough the transformation actually was. Mainly because the person who used it ended up dead within a week, if less.

Besides, her old teacher said he would pay half her debt if she came back.

Walking into Konoha, Tsunade winced as memories of her life here came back. She did _not_ want to be here dammit.

"Come on Shizune. Let's head to the hot spring after we see sensei," said Tsunade.

"Hai, Tsunade-sama."

It was actually at the hot spring (after saying hello to her former teacher) that she found the 'test subject/student' her sensei was talking about.

The girl could pass for Kushina at that age, though the hair and eyes were wrong.

The girl was doing something that Kushina likely would have done as a joke. She was using Jiraiya's hole to spy on the guys.

"What are you doing?" asked Shizune, openly curious.

"Giving the guys a taste of their own damn medicine. If Jiraiya is going to peep on us, then why shouldn't we do the same to them?" she replied instantly.

Tsunade snorted.

"What's your name girl?"

"Uchiha Yoruichi, level three iryonin and a regular at the Konoha hospital, Tsunade-sama," she replied, once she saw who was asking.

"Level three? Impressive for a girl your age," said Tsunade. And she meant it.

The two spent a pleasant few hours discussing medical jutsu, before Tsunade waited in a sealed room for the girl the Hokage had mentioned.

And surprise, surprise, it was the same one she had just spent hours talking to.

"Oh good, you've already met her."

"What's this about sensei?"

"Tsunade, may I introduce the 'former' heir of the Uchiha clan, Itachi?"

Tsunade's jaw dropped.

"You are, of course, joking. Even I know Itachi Uchiha is a _male_."

"Not anymore I'm not," said Yoru, grinning very much like Kushina after a successful prank.

"Explain. And someone bring me sake, because I have the feeling I'm going to need it!"

Sarutobi handed her a bottle.

Tsunade looked at the girl expectantly.

"It all started as a revenge prank against Fugaku, my father..." said Yoru.

By the time the seals were undone, Tsunade didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or put the demi-girl under an extensive exam.

Because now she could understand why her sensei called her in. Itachi...no, Yoruichi's case was absolutely _fascinating_ from a medical standpoint.

Then a thought struck her.

"Does Jiraiya know?"

"Nope," said Yoru, popping the 'P' sound. "Caught him spying on the girl's side, kicked a nice, big hole in the fence to expose him, and then made sure his stay at the hospital was unpleasant. Personally we're waiting for him to start trying to chat me up like every other attractive female he's come across before we break the news to him."

Tsunade's grin turned evil.

"I might just stick around the village...just so I can see the look on his face when he realizes he's leering at what could only be described as a very successful and thorough transvestite," said Tsunade evilly.

Yoru actually snickered.

"You know that's the first time I've actually _heard_ that term to describe it?"

"You were once a guy, but lost your bits to become a girl. By that very definition you're a transvestite, though one that at least is able to still reproduce."

Yoru had a strange expression on her face.

"I wonder if I could offer to sell copies of the jutsu to the shinobi who are uncomfortable with their own gender?"

The Hokage choked. There was some things he didn't need to know about his shinobi force. This was one of those things.

"Does this mean I can drag the girl off for a full examination?"

"By all means. I had a feeling she would pique your interest enough that you would come back."

"You know I would feel horribly violated by this, but the sad fact is I trust her the most out of the three," said Yoru amused. The Hokage snorted.

Considering the way his two _male _students turned out, he knew the girl wasn't exaggerating. One became a traitor, the other a super pervert. Considering that, what Tsunade chose to do to compensate for her loss was rather tame.

* * *

"Nee-san! Where were you?" asked Sasuke.

Yoru looked exhausted beyond belief.

She picked up both ten year olds, walked out the door, and to a training field.

"Tsunade-sama, meet your extra target practice. Boys, you have one job, and one job only. Dodge like hell or I get extra practice at healing chakra," she told them flatly.

She asked Tsunade what she could do to get a break from having boulders thrown at her. Tsunade's joking response was for her to produce someone else she could 'train'. Yoru had gone home and retrieved her brothers.

"Do you think she was joking?" asked Sasuke to Naruto.

"NO!" yelped Naruto as he pushed Sasuke out of the way.

And so began an hour long dodge-boulder session. It increased their stamina, pain tolerance, and gave Yoru a break.

It would also spark a major prank war the likes even the Hokage had never seen when he found out why Naruto and Sasuke were giving their beloved big sister the stink eye for a week.

Tsunade decided that Yoruichi was interesting enough to stick around, to Shizune's relief. While she staunchly _refused_ to even look at the Hokage's hat because of the memories associated with it, she did revamp the hospital.

Yoruichi ended up becoming her secondary apprentice. Mostly because she showed an intuitive knack towards the art...and because she never complained about Tsunade's demands like most would.

Hard to believe any child of Fugaku Uchiha could be that talented a medic. The best part, the absolutely best part in Tsunade's opinion, was the fact that Yoruichi didn't let that damn doujutsu give her a god complex like practically _every_ Uchiha she had ever met. If she needed to learn a jutsu quickly, for emergencies, then yes, she used the eyes. But afterward she always _practiced_ it until she could use the technique with only half the seals.

It was more than any Sharingan user did. Kakashi included.

Another benefit was that Tsunade was well acquainted with Kushina. She had plenty of stories of her cousin to tell the boys. Some even Yoru had never heard of.

* * *

"So boys, excited for the graduation exam?" asked Tsunade.

Since she decided to stick around for a while, she opted to rent the apartment close to the kids.

"Not really. If we graduate now, then we'll get stuck with a _fan girl_," shuddered Sasuke.

The fan girl horde. The curse of every Uchiha male, even Itachi. Yoru was pleased she had gotten rid of that nonsense by becoming female herself. And fan boys had to beat her in a proper sparring match before she would even _consider_ letting them near her.

Since most of her admirers were hormonal chunin, they didn't stand a chance. And that was _before_ she broke out the big guns.

The one time someone tried to grab her ass, she broke his arm in three places...then proceeded to make his life hell while he recovered until Tsunade took over.

"Yeah, not to mention the fact that last time those asshole teachers gave me the wrong one," said Naruto sourly.

Yoru carefully schooled her expression.

"I've had a...word...with the ones responsible for that mess. They won't try it a second time," said Yoru.

To be more specific, she had gone down to the Academy and threatened to trap them in a world full of naked Might Gai in provocative positions trying to jump them for three days if they tried it a second time.

Even Kakashi, once he heard the threat, shuddered at the thought of it. Needless to say they took the warning seriously.

"You're not allowed to threaten the Academy teachers. However, sensei never said anything about me having a word with them," said Tsunade.

The two boys brightened at that. Tsunade was like a grandmother to them both, even Naruto called her Tsunade-baa-chan.

"Speaking of upcoming events, there's a council meeting tomorrow," said Shizune.

Yoru groaned. Despite the fact she was quite happy to have left the name Itachi (and everything that was associated with the Uchiha prodigy) behind, she still had to go to those boring meetings as the oldest Uchiha. She was _still _designated clan heir, and would likely remain that way until she either turned 18, which was the civilian age where they were considered adults, married (not happening any time soon), became a mother or was raised to jounin rank.

Either way she was stuck going to those boring as hell council meetings once a month as the Uchiha representative. At least with the death of Danzo, most of the more irritating factions had taken to infighting until the void left by his absence was filled.

She still had to answer for the 'misdeeds' of Naruto though, considering she was his guardian.

About the only thing she used that time for was some much needed sleep. Working at the hospital meant she got very little of it, even if she was becoming a noted doctor and iryonin. Shikaku, the head of the Nara clan, loved the fact she usually sat next to him (there wasn't an arranged seating, outside of separating the civilian from the shinobi) because she had a habit of bringing pillows and using a subtle genjutsu to hide the fact they were both sleeping while the meeting went on.

Needless to say the Hokage was both amused and slightly jealous. They at least got to ignore listening to the same crap over and over again.

And with that, the group went about their day. Tomorrow was going to be hectic, that was for sure.


	6. Chapter 6

Behind a subtle genjutsu, a certain pseudo-girl was snoring. Rather loudly at that.

Shikaku tuned it out through practice and the fact his wife was much louder when she was yelling at him. He really enjoyed the fact that Yoruichi was the one stuck next to him during these meetings rather than that ass Fugaku. At least she was considerate enough to bring pillows so his neck didn't have a cramp in it!

However the subject at the moment had him kicking her awake, if only to disguise the fact she had been catching some much needed sleep from her shifts at the hospital.

"Hwa...?"

"Some idiot's trying to blame Naruto for stealing again," said Shikaku.

Which meant someone would have to wake her anyway, since as his legal guardian _she_ had to pay them for anything he broke or stole.

Instead of telling Naruto to tone down the pranks, Yoru told him that if he was going to continue being a known menace, then he damn well better not get caught. Since then Naruto had improved his pranks by leaps and bounds, and his speed had increased exponentially since Yoru bought those special weights after asking Gai where he bought his.

Yes, they made moving a pain in the ass, but the training factor she got from them more than made up for it. Now she could say she was training even while working her shift at the hospital!

Yoru stretched, causing her rather impressive bust to peek through her shirt and several muscles to pop. She subtly dropped the genjutsu to listen in, before she rolled her eyes.

"Let me get this straight. You're claiming Naruto caused a scene at your grocery store and destroyed several thousands worth of product around six last week?" she said annoyed.

The civilian huffed in anger, but that was the general gist of it.

"And the fact that Naruto has been picked up by Shizune-sempai along with my little brother after Academy hours so Tsunade-sensei can give them extra training that usually lasts till eight, not to mention the fact Shizune and I have been doing _all_ the grocery shopping since the last time you and the other grocers tried to overcharge Naruto is just a complete coincidence, isn't it?" said Yoruichi, glaring.

Naruto wasn't allowed to shop for food. He was often overcharged to the point where he could only by instant ramen. While Yoruichi _did_ allow for him to have it in the apartment, she had put her foot down on him eating it all the time. It was mostly a quick meal when none of the girls were available to cook. Sasuke was allowed to shop, but he had trouble finding the good stuff. Tsunade was out, because she had a bad habit of buying mostly sake and booze.

Which left Shizune and Yoru to do most of the shopping.

The civilian looked decidedly nervous, while the Hokage looked pissed.

With the absence of Danzo, some of the animosity towards Naruto either dropped or went away completely. But not all of it.

"ANBU, take this man to Ibiki. It looks like we have another bunch of idiots trying to dip into the 'Prankster Fund' again."

After one too many demands for payment for pranks, damages or other incidents, the Hokage had set up a special "Prankster Fund" to pay people back. Since Yoruichi took over for Fugaku, and Danzo's death, they had come to learn that several civilians had been trying to take advantage of the fund by claiming Naruto had done something for free cash.

The Hokage was furious to learn that the civilians had come up with this conspiracy solely because they wanted the shinobi to remain in their debt after the Kyuubi attack. It was well known that once they were paid back the number of representatives from the civilian clans would drop to a bare minimum.

He had his people go back to when the sudden demand for funds had started and had told those who were never actually hit by Naruto or his pranks that they either pay back the money they stole or they would be kicked out and their property seized.

Yoru was pleased that this kind of thinking lead to four different clans leaving Konoha, some with only the clothing on their backs and whatever things they could carry, and that the number of mobs that formed against Naruto had dropped like a stone.

Naruto was just happy he didn't have to deal with the birthday mob ever again.

"Now is that all?" asked the Hokage. No one said anything. "Then I call this meeting of the Konoha council adjourned."

Yoruichi resealed the pillows, and headed out. It was a good nap.

* * *

"Dammit!"

"What happened this time?" asked Yoru.

"Stupid freaking clone jutsu! Those jerk instructors said it had to be the _standard_ clone, even though Kiba and Shino were allowed to do a bug and animal clone!" seethed Naruto.

"What about you?"

"Second I heard the teachers fail him deliberately, I waited until break before I blew up the school library. They said I wasn't mature enough for the headband once they found out I did it," said Sasuke proudly.

"To be fair, it probably needed to be redone anyway. The standards from when I took the test have dropped to the point where it's beyond ridiculous. We can probably get the Hokage to revamp the Academy if we do it right," said Yoru.

Seeing the gleam of chaos in the eyes of the boys, Tsunade lightly bopped her on the head.

"You are not blowing up the Academy just to change a few things."

Yoru, instead of trying to convince her, handed her Sasuke's textbooks.

"I dare you to try and find any mention of the Uzumaki clan outside of vague references. Succeed and I'll distract Shizune-sempai so you can go out drinking with Anko-chan. Fail and you're helping us convince the Hokage to revamp the Academy, or at least bring back the old standards."

Tsunade snorted.

"Challenge accepted brat. I win, and you're paying for my drinks."

"Fair enough."

Three hours later, and Tsunade became disgusted.

"They go on and on about my grandfather and your clan, but don't mention the Uzumaki outside of a single sentence as our allies. This isn't just ridiculous, it's beyond pathetic. If the old man doesn't bring the standards back up I'll help you blow that place to kingdom come," said Tsunade.

The two students cheered.

* * *

Sarutobi looked amused.

"I'll bring back the old curriculum on _one_ condition. Yoru, you will have to act as the Academy Nurse until the boys graduate or you become clan head."

"Deal. Do I at least get to train in between healing the kids?"

"No leaving Academy grounds or letting the children find Kinjutsu by leaving the scroll around. That includes the one you got from the Land of Ogres."

After the wildly successful use of the transformation jutsu, the Hokage put it in the Forbidden Scroll with the addendum that only those who could convince the current Hokage that it was for personal use only and with the agreement of their acting doctor could take it from the scroll.

"Meh. I could always take them out of the Uchiha family library."

One shadow clone and she would be able to help with the kiddies. Not like they could do anything that would force her to actually _heal_ them beyond a few scrapes or broken bones, right?

* * *

_One Month Later..._

"Everyone, the Hokage has decreed that the Academy will be going back to the older standards. So you'll be issued new books for now. Also, our school nurse was given an extended vacation, so the current acting head of the Uchiha clan has graciously agreed to act as the new one. She has also agreed to come in and help teach. Now isn't that nice?" said Iruka.

Mizuki was originally his assistant teacher. He had been transferred to the hospital for a month after almost having a nervous breakdown.

Thankfully Yoruichi had volunteered to be his new assistant until his return.

Iruka would leave the classroom that day in shock. Not a single student misbehaved, and for once he was able to get through the day without using his trademark "Big-Head no Jutsu" on them.

All it had taken was a mysterious smile and a look from his assistant, and any scuffles died down within seconds.

He must know her secret.

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto were snickering. It was hard not to.

Upon realizing the odd hold she had on the children, Iruka had taken to hanging out with Yoru often. He claimed he wanted to know how she kept order in the chaotic Academy without having to raise her voice, but she just smiled and changed the subject.

Sasuke, Naruto, Tsunade and Shizune were all holding a rather wide betting ring with the Hokage, his staff, a good chunk of the ANBU and hospital workers that Iruka had a crush on her, and was trying to court her without being obvious about it.

The odds were five-to-three that Iruka was trying to date Yoruichi, and whether or not he would still be interested if he knew who she actually _was_.

At this point Naruto could honestly say he had no problems with his favorite teacher dating his 'Yoru-nee-chan', because to be honest the look of shock would be totally worth it. Sasuke also had no problems with it, because Iruka was one of the few men that Yoru _hadn't _caught using the peep-hole in the hot springs at least once.

Considering the only other person who showed that kind of interest was currently dating Kakashi after the broken fence incident (Anko) they were honestly rooting for him.

Mizuki, when he was _finally_ cleared to return, took one look at the budding relationship (not that Yoru would call it that...she was having far too much fun giving Iruka the run-around to how she got the children to behave) and promptly asked to be assigned to a different class.

He was not getting in the way of that. Not after a good chunk of the students looked ready to use him as target practice or maul him. Particularly the girls.

Never underestimate the devious minds of children, for they are monsters who have not yet grown the fangs and muscles they need to defend themselves with, and have still managed to survive.

* * *

Yoru ended up being stuck as the one to drag Tsunade out of whatever bar she had gotten lost in, and had run into Kakashi.

Kakashi, who was in on the odd betting ring around Yoru's love life, finally asked the same question Iruka was so desperate to find the answer for.

"How do you do it? Get the kids to behave?"

"One, I radiate an aura similar to a mother and add disapproval. Two, I have been subtly lacing the class with a genjutsu geared towards fearing retribution. Three, and this is most important, I have both bribe/threatened them."

"Huh?"

Yoru smirked, knowing she had the full attention of most of the jounin.

"I bribe them with jutsu available mostly to genin, while threatening to unleash the full creativity of Naruto on coffee and far too much candy on them. Considering the fact most of them are aware of what Naruto's like when he's actually _bored_, they were willing to keep their traps shut. I bribed Naruto with extra training and ramen. In exchange they behave or else," she explained.

"That is devious and absolutely cruel," said Anko grinning.

"And profitable," said Yoru.

"How so?"

"You didn't think I was completely oblivious to the betting rings, did you?" she shot back, before continuing to look for Tsunade.

"Dammit, should have known she'd find a way to rig the bets," said Kakashi. Itachi had gone out of his way to rig the ANBU betting rings back when he was still a boy once he knew of them. He had almost forgotten about that little fact.

He would also have a word with Yoru later to find out how she had rigged the bets, so that he could join her. If only to come out with cash at the end.

Tsunade had already done something similar when Yoru mentioned this habit...and, in an effort to actually _win_ money and hopefully improve her crappy luck, had promptly bet on the same subjects said girl had chosen to manipulate for her own gain.

They both gleefully did not inform the Hokage of this fact, as he had bet against them. He would not learn of this until after it was already too late to change his bet.


	7. Chapter 7

"What do you mean I have to take a mission?" said Yoru.

"While I know the hospital and the Academy appreciate you being around, the fact is you haven't left the village or do any _real_ missions since the massacre."

"Uh huh. What's the _real_ reason?" she asked.

The Hokage didn't lose his poker face.

"Kiri has been making a few waves about trying to 'reclaim' you, and this is a good opportunity to subtly steal a few bloodline users and support the pro-kekkei genkai side."

Yoru inwardly cursed. She should have know the back story she came up would come to bite her in the ass.

"There's also the fact that as a skilled medic, you can treat any injuries, the fact I've been meaning to promote you again anyway, and the council is suggesting that they pair you up with someone to 'repopulate' the Uchiha clan since you're almost of age. As a jounin you can cut them off, unless you want to take things further with Iruka...?"

Yoru calculated her odds.

"I won't have to rejoin the ANBU will I?"

"Technically you never left. I just had Katsu place the Weasel mask out of rotation until you either properly retired it or reclaimed it."

"I hate you sometimes," she said flatly. Then an idea occurred to her. "Katsu-sempai doesn't know...does he?"

ANBU were required to take their masks off in the presence of a supervisor when giving a report. _All_ ANBU, including Katsu.

The Hokage smirked. That was a 'no' then.

"If I get pictures, I want a look at the Forbidden Scroll and an all-access pass to the deeper parts of the library."

"I'll let you look at the scroll and reactivate your clearance to the library, but you'll have to take ANBU missions for it," he countered.

"Only as long as you don't try to send Tsunade or Shizune-sempai away. I can trust _them_ to keep the boys in line."

"I'm already sending _one_ of my best Iryonin out of the village. I'm not about to lose the other two, not while Tsunade's still considered a flight risk," said the Hokage flatly.

"So when do I start?"

"Pictures first," grinned the Hokage.

* * *

Yoruichi couldn't help it, she damn near bust a gut laughing. The bad ass Katsu, leader of the ANBU and all around impossible to catch off guard bastard, had actually _fainted!_

She took so many pictures and sealed them all up in multiple scrolls...then summoned a raven for the first time in years. They, at least, had know of the prank beforehand because she had warned them. The only problem being that Itachi was known for having the Raven and Crow contract, but Yoruichi couldn't be because he had turned it in!

By the time Katsu had gotten over his fainting spell (he just knew his subordinate would spread this around) and the fact that Itachi, the cool-headed and emotionless Uchiha prodigy had actually pulled one over on him and his entire department...not to mention pranked his father until the day he died while at the same time filling his requirement for an alter ego for his mask... How in the _hell_ did he miss the fact ITACHI was a closet prankster at heart?!

"Why?"

A simple inquiry that applied to multiple questions he didn't dare ask.

Yoruichi smirked.

"Every shinobi, from the lowest genin to the Hokage and the Sannin, has some quirk that makes our job bearable in the wee hours of the night. Just because I was subtle didn't mean I never had any of my own. It was originally a prank on my 'father' that took a life of it's own, and when I realized I preferred Yoruichi to Itachi, I decided to make it permanent."

Katsu looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"How..."

"Tsunade tested me, once she heard what jutsu I used. It's a complete and _permanent_ transformation. The only way I could become Itachi again is through a henge. I'm good," she said proudly.

Katsu wouldn't deny that. How many shinobi could claim that a simple alter ego could take a life of it's own and manage to hide it so effectively from _everyone? _Even the Hokage hadn't known until she informed him of her true identity.

Once he was finally over most of his shock...though he would be hitting the sake hard tonight to be able to handle the ramifications of the fact one of his best shinobi had successfully pulled one over on him for once...he slid the familiar Weasel mask over.

"I take it you're coming back?"

"Consider me a sleeper agent only to be activated in emergencies. If you want, I could redirect Naruto's pranks to other departments for a bribe," offered Yoru.

Katsu's eyes sparked.

"How much?"

"Jutsu scrolls and the promise that a few off-duty ANBU will come by the Academy to insure they don't try to ruin his education any more than they already have. It's mostly stopped, but that's only because I put the fear of Amaterasu into them. Naruto has plenty of stamina and is one of the rare people who can use the shadow clone for training purposes. His mind is so fast that it's easier to have him summon a hundred clones to each work on one thing at a time than it is to have him sit down and doing something... I think the Fourth may have done a rush job on the seal and there's something wrong with the filter. He just can't sit still."

Katsu's eyes gleamed. A child who could use shadow clones, a hundred at a time?

"How fast is his learning rate?"

"He's an Uzumaki, and more importantly the son of Kushina. Get him and Sasuke hooked on Kenjutsu, and Naruto on seals. We both know who she married, so why not make sure our future Hokage is someone we can be proud to say we helped train while he was still an itty-bitty genin?" she said.

"Yes...his father got a good start in the ANBU, and there's no way I'm letting the civilians ruin our future Hokage...or weapon. Is he aware of the fox?"

Yoru schooled her face. Now the idea of her being Itachi was more solid than ever...her eyes were the exact same.

"He found out by accident while I was attempting to teach them meditation techniques to help with his control. The Fox said, and I quote 'I'm not handing any of my chakra to you unless you either make it worth my while or prove to be a better shinobi than your mother'. The only strange thing he also mentioned was that out of all the Uchiha, he liked me best for some weird reason."

Probably because she _worked_ for her skills, rather than steal them from others, and didn't go around using her upgraded Sharingan willy-nilly. She had earned the fox's respect, odd as it was.

Once again, she rendered Katsu speechless.

"Does he know how to..."

"Again, the fox refuses to share his chakra with him at this point, so no. Besides, I would prefer it if Jiraiya could look at the seal and figure out why the Fox's chakra seemed to be constantly adding to his coils without stopping before he tries to use the fox's power. The Hokage, when I told him Naruto knew about his prisoner, agrees with me."

"Is he still going to keep quiet about the boy's heritage?"

Katsu didn't agree with that at all. The boy had clearly gotten the short end of the stick and it was only because of the girl before him that his life was even remotely better.

"We found a way around that decree. We tell him stories of the Fourth and his mother Kushina (the Hokage at least allowed us to tell him who his mother was) but we don't tell him specifically that the Fourth is...well... you know."

"I'm sure we can give the boys a few stories of Minato and his 'wife'. Now, do I need to remind you of the standard requirements for this kind of mission, or do you just need to shake the rust off?"

Yoru glared at him. Katsu chuckled.

"Just checking. It has been nearly four years since you were active duty after all."

"Bite me. Permission to leave, _sir_?"

"Granted."

Yoru put on her old Weasel mask, and enjoyed the looks of shock on her fellow ANBU upon seeing it reinstated. She did run into a familiar set of hair though, and grinned behind it.

Perhaps she could get double the blackmail pictures and subtly share some of her new ones?

* * *

The Hokage, when he saw the first pictures, laughed his ass off. It wasn't often someone pulled the wool over his ANBU commander's eyes. Then he saw the second set.

"How'd you get Anko and Kurenai?"

"Easy. Decided to go get a small drink at her place before the mission, then told her and Kurenai who I was before. I don't know who was more shocked...Anko, for not realizing it sooner, or Kurenai, when she realized that a former male had seen her nude in the secret kunoichi hot springs."

For some reason, the scant few shinobi men who opted to use the complete transformation jutsu to become kunoichi weren't allowed in the secret hot springs. Something about how they were uncomfortable with having them around. Kurenai had actually been the one to show her where the hot springs were, before the jutsu became well known.

She was also, unfortunately, one of the biggest advocates of keeping the former men _out_.

Maybe now she would get off that damn high horse of hers.

"Ha! Kurenai needs this sort of wake-up call. What of her former student?"

"If you're referring to Yakumo Kurama, I suggested she join the Academy. She's certainly better than most of the girls in there and she won't instantly become a fan girl of either of my brothers," she stated flatly.

"A genjutsu user, a Sharingan user and a possible fuinjutsu prodigy. Interesting combination, but who would be their sensei?"

"Absolutely_ not_ Kakashi, no matter how much you would like him to be," she said flatly.

"Oh?"

"Kakashi and children do not mix. Ever. I once left him alone in the Maternity ward and he couldn't even handle helping me feed the infants. He's more likely to read his precious porn than train them, and we both know he never fully recovered from his sensei's death. Being around Naruto, while helping him get used to the boy, has done nothing for his mental health. The idiot keeps superimposing Obito or Naruto's father where the boy is. And Sasuke...he's rather aloof and hard to get a read on unless you know what to look for. Having the civilians fawn over us hasn't helped, and he's rather self-conscious about the fact that I'm his sister. He keeps trying to measure up to me," said Yoruichi with an annoyed roll of the eyes.

The Hokage listened to her concerns. She spent most of her time with the boys, but she never coddled them. And she was already familiar with the Kurama clan, considering she used genjutsu frequently as well.

"I'll tell you what. Join the active duty ANBU again for a year and I'll remove Kakashi from the sensei rotation roster. But in exchange for that you have to take his place."

"And in return I get to train the three once they graduate?" she asked.

He nodded. It was a fair deal, and nothing she hadn't dealt with before. Maybe Kakashi would wake up and get over their deaths if he wasn't forced to try and train brats every year. If he could get away with taking a mission for that month, he would.

"Deal."

"See you in a few months," said the Hokage pleasantly.

* * *

Sasuke was nervous, eager and worried.

Nervous, because Yoruichi had left the village for the first time in years. Eager, because she had promised to share her stories of being on missions with him and Naruto, or at least the stuff she _could_ share. And worried, because he still remembered the few times Itachi had come home with injuries.

Naruto just wanted to see his nee-chan again.

Suddenly both children saw a familiar head of hair. They bolted straight for her and nearly bowled Yoru over.

"OOMPH!"

The three children beside her tensed visibly.

"Good to see I was missed. Have you two been misbehaving while I was gone?" she asked them warmly.

"You bet! Hebi-san said that she's never seen so many inventive uses for old ninja traps!"

Hebi was Anko's ANBU mask. Shinobi were many things, but sadly subtlety was a lost art in most. Particularly the ANBU.

Probably why no one knew about Yoruichi until she told them. Itachi had been nothing if not subtle.

"And the Academy?"

"Yeah...about that...Iruka-sensei wants to have a word with you...or jump you. We haven't figured out which."

As if summoned by his name, Iruka started to cling to Yoruichi as well.

"THANK KAMI!"

Behind her, the lone red-head started snickering.

"You didn't tell us you have a boyfriend Yoruichi-san!"

"Oh be quiet Karin-chan. Iruka probably just wants me to restore order again," said Yoruichi.

"Him, the Hokage, Kakashi, most of the Hunter division, the Hyuuga..." listed Naruto snickering.

"What about Tsunade-sensei?"

"She was helping."

"Let me give my debriefing first and get these three settled in. And before I forget...Naruto, this is your cousin Karin. Karin, this is Naruto."

Karin Uzumaki was an unexpected bonus because of the fact they had to go through Kusagakure in order to get some antidotes. The Hokage said that since she needed a mission to explain why she was out of the village without telling the world she was ANBU, she opted to do a supply run to the Grass village.

Karin much in the manner of another spirited red head, had gotten Yoruichi's attention when she pounded another boy's face into the dirt for making fun of her red hair. It was so familiar that she had known the girl was an Uzumaki. She was like a bespectacled Kushina.

Further blood testing proved she was an Uzumaki, and Yoru had promptly asked if they could work out a deal so that Karin could join her little rag-tag group of kiddies from Kiri. Considering Konoha had a few of their own captured the week before, it was easy to arrange an exchange of prisoners for Karin.

Which meant that another Uzumaki was going to call Konoha home.

"Welcome back, Yoruichi," said the Hokage. He looked a little...frayed. She smirked.


	8. Chapter 8

Sasuke, Naruto and the eager Karin were all waiting with Tsunade and an amused Anko. Ever since Yoru finally told her the truth and nearly broke Kurenai, she had been hanging around the boys more often.

Yoruichi treated her like everyone else, and as such Anko had pretty much acted like they were the family she always wanted but never really had. It wasn't like the boys cared.

Yoruichi came in with the two she had rescued from Kiri. Both were orphans and the mess she had brought them from meant she couldn't leave them with the resistance.

Plus the Hokage did ask if she could 'poach' a few bloodline users.

The boys waited patiently for her to introduce the other two.

"This is Haku, he can create ice. This is Kimimaro, he can use his bones as weapons. And this is Karin, she's an Uzumaki like you Naruto. Any questions?"

"COOL!" said Naruto, as he eagerly started asking a million and one questions a minute to Kimimaro and Haku about what all they could do.

Yoruichi had offered to make them wards of the Uchiha clan, partly because they were as clingy as her brothers, but mostly to keep the greedy hands of the council off them.

As her wards, she was their legal guardian much in the same way as she was for Naruto. It also meant that the council couldn't force them to become breeders when they hit puberty.

Sasuke, however, became the one to voice something that was bothering him.

"Where are they going to sleep?"

Yoruichi carefully schooled her expression.

"We're reopening the Uchiha district. And before you ask, I already had most of the attack cleaned up. There's new paint, wallpaper and even the appliances were replaced," said Yoru.

"So...basically we're heading back home, but it's been redone enough that we can look past our old memories of the place?"

"You can have your old room back too, kami knows I won't even consider touching the master bedroom," said Yoru flatly.

"What about the fact the Uchiha district is considered a ghost one?" asked Anko.

"Actually only a few people who had frequent contact with the Uchiha consider it a ghost district. I've been making a bit of money by renting some of the houses to the newly minted genin who were orphans. In exchange they pay for half the utilities, helped repaint the place, and cleaned up the mess left by the massacre. The only reason most people don't notice is because I had them leave the wall up," corrected Yoruichi.

She had seen the slums where Naruto _used_ to live. In exchange for getting several orphans who had yet to make enough money or earn chunin rank long enough to rent an apartment, she got the 'ghost district' cleaned up and made use of much needed space. There wasn't really any reason to leave those houses alone when the owners were dead and gone for a long time, and all the important things like family photos and personal articles were removed.

The Hokage definitely approved of it, because they had been able to demolish some of buildings that _should_ have been condemned years ago for being a health hazard.

The orphan genin got a clean, safe home, Yoru got paid rent regularly, the houses were being used again, and as an added bonus, most of the shinobi no longer considered the Uchiha to be stuck up pricks like the Hyuuga.

One of those who had opted to rent from the Uchiha was Iruka, funnily enough. Mostly because renting from her meant he could finally trap his house within reason. His civilian landlord wasn't nearly as understanding about shinobi paranoia.

Tsunade, however, grimaced.

"No thanks. I'd rather live in the Senju compound," she said.

Old rivalries and hatred died hard. Especially when it came to the age old one of the Senju and the Uchiha, even if she could tolerate Yoruichi a hell of a lot more than she could the girl's father.

* * *

"Sugoi... this is your house?"

"Just wait Naru-chan, when you become a chunin the Hokage said he'll give you the key to your mother's home. She had a big library, from what I remember," said Yoru teasing.

The Hokage held the Yondaime's house in trust until Naruto came of age or became a chunin. He believed Naruto was responsible enough once he became a chunin to know who his father was, since Yoru had convinced him there wasn't any harm telling him about his mother.

Primarily because Naruto wanted to know who Yoru's idol was, and she had told him about Kushina. The second he heard she was an Uzumaki, he had asked the Hokage if she was his mother.

"Our house now. Sasuke and I will be retaking our old bedrooms, the Master is open to whichever of us marry first, but the others are open to everyone else," said Yoru.

Naruto promptly took the bedroom across from Sasuke's room, while Haku and Kimimaro took the rooms closest to Yoru. Coincidentally that meant their rooms were right next to Naruto and Sasuke, as Yoru's room was beside Sasuke's and closest to the garden.

The master bedroom, where Sasuke and Yoru's parents slept, was left open to whichever of the siblings married first. Neither of them felt comfortable sleeping there.

Karin decided she would rather stay with Tsunade. According to her, she had had enough of the testosterone-heavy atmosphere in Kusagakure.

Tsunade had gotten a strange gleam in her eyes and to her delight found Karin was an aspiring medic. Primarily because of her weird ability to heal others by having them bite her. The cackles the two women let off sent shivers of horror down the spines of any male in hearing. The women, however, felt some vindication.

Shizune shook her head. Clearly Karin was going to end up as a second Tsunade if her mentor had anything to say about it. Perverts beware.

"So...what exactly did you get up to while I was gone for two and a half months?"

Apparently a lot. Yoruichi wasn't the only one laughing at the pranks the two pulled. Haku and Kimimaro were snickering.

Katsu had taken Yoru's offer seriously. In exchange for giving the boys and (to a smaller extent) Yakumo training, they set Naruto on the village to test his ability to cause unmitigated chaos without being caught.

A useful skill for a spy, demolition expert and infiltrator.

And Naruto _was_ good. Even clad in those awful orange outfits he loved. If he could slip into the Hunter division wearing that orange monstrosity, then what could he do in camouflage and actually _trying_ to hide?

That was something the ANBU was eager to find out.

Ibiki was pissed, but Anko found it hilarious...mainly because she had been the one to direct most of his pranks against the poor bastards who had recently pissed her off.

* * *

"So are you trying to collect new chibis to train, or is it a talent?" asked Anko amused.

Kimimaro had chosen to sit next to Sasuke, while Haku stuck close to Naruto...along with Karin who was determined not to lose her newfound family. It was pretty clear that they might end up as a genin team on their own.

"To be fair, I was only expecting to poach one or two kids from Kiri. Finding Karin was an unexpected bonus. She reminds me of Kushina-nee-sama," said Yoru smirking.

"You're telling me! It's like looking at a younger, less busty version of the Red Haired Habenaro!" said Anko in agreement, more than a little drunk. Suddenly she leered at Yoru, "So did Iruka really glomp you the second you came back?"

Yoru gave off an ominous cackle.

"My minion army is almost complete. Soon, soon I shall lead my minions into becoming the terror of Konoha!"

Anko blinked, then looked at her sake.

"Okay, this is stronger shit than I'm used to. I could have sworn you just called the Academy the recruiting ground for your minion army."

"I did."

Anko bust a gut laughing.

"Seriously? You call them your minions?"

"Hey, Sasuke was the one who came up with the term. The kids and I find it amusing enough to use it. Besides, you should see how freaked out we can make the ANBU and the Hokage whenever we do that," grinned Yoru.

"Pictures, girl, pictures!"

That was too funny _not_ to take pictures of! Yoru promptly branded several photos, which had Anko howling. The Hokage's face in particular whenever Yoru called the kids her minions was hilarious.

To be fair, Yoru had them better organized than any other teacher before her. She was _good_ with kids.

"You know I'm surprised you haven't asked Iruka out for a date yet. You two have been dancing around each other for what, a year now?"

Iruka did have a thing for Yoruichi. She was smart, powerful, loyal, great with kids and she loved Naruto like a little brother. He didn't particularly _care _if she was an Uchiha, or that she came from a long line of shinobi. She never rubbed everyone's faces in the fact like her clan had, and instead was quite popular with the other shinobi. She was modest, but not overly arrogant and she worked for her skills whenever she could.

Yoruichi tolerated Iruka more than the others, mostly because he was always kind to Naruto, good with the children, and didn't try to curry her favor persistently like everyone else. She _hated_ it when the shinobi got persistent trying to get into her pants! It was like having her damn fan club back!

Though it was more than slightly creepy when she found out that a good chunk of her fan girls had a shrine to Itachi despite the fact he was legally declared KIA by the Hokage. Thank kami she had sealed everything that had belonged to "Itachi" that wouldn't immediately be put back into use otherwise. She did not want her personal items being taken for those damn fan girls!

* * *

Yoruichi, realizing she would need some quick cash that wasn't already tied up in investments or slated for other use, decided to cash in on the ongoing bet on who would ask who out first. Her or Iruka.

Those in the know bet on her, primarily because while Iruka was brave, he was also rather nervous about asking one of the hottest, most popular kunoichi in the village out on a date when she had been seen slamming the heads of perverts who asked her out on dates into the pavement.

Tsunade had passed on the secret of her 'super-strength', and much to the horror of the men, Yoruichi took to it with glee. Turns out it was extremely fine-tuned chakra control, along with a good amount of feminine wrath mixed in.

Considering she had permanently swapped her testosterone for estrogen, Yoruichi could use this technique.

She did warn Anko to make more bets about who would ask out who, so long as she got half the cut. She would need it for her date. Anko grinned, and wished her luck.

She would definitely need it. As Itachi, she had never once been out on a date. Primarily because of the fan girls, but also because Fugaku would never deem anyone _not _Uchiha already worthy enough to date his son. After being a medic for years, she realized that the odd practice of marrying your cousin had only _hurt_ their bloodline, not helped it. As Yoru, she had been too busy keeping it secret that she was really Itachi, and later taking care of Sasuke and Naruto.

So yes, she was a bit nervous. Besides, as Itachi or Yoruichi, she had no idea which side of the dating spectrum she fell on. It wasn't considered immoral or wrong to date the same gender (shinobi lived too short lives to care about such things, so long as their techniques or bloodline were passed down to another generation), but it wasn't exactly common either.

Anko was the closest she knew of that side of the spectrum...whenever Kurenai needed to scratch that particular itch and her mystery boyfriend was out, Anko would fill in. Well, if she wasn't with her boyfriend Kakashi anyway.

In order for the maximum impact of her asking Iruka out to be felt, Yoru waited until the second-biggest gossip in the village was present.

Ino Yamanaka. Her mother was one of the nosiest women in the village, and it didn't help that she was married to the former chief interrogator.

Iruka noticed Yoruichi was nervous about something.

"What's up?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to the Yakiniku Barbeque tomorrow night."

"Sure. What time?"

"How about eight?"

"Anyone else coming?"

"No," said Yoruichi, hoping he'd take the hint.

"It's a date," said Iruka. It took him a couple of minutes to realize what just happened. Mizuki was just the first person to voice it aloud.

"Did you just get asked out on a date by the hottest kunoichi in the village?!"

The other male teachers were looking at him in envy.

Iruka suddenly paled.

"Oh dear kami, I just got asked out by Yoruichi Uchiha!" he said in shock. The full ramification hit him like a brick.

Ino was quick to spread the word of what just happened to the other girls, while the female teachers were doing the same with their fellow Kunoichi.

Elsewhere in the village, those who ran the secret shinobi betting rings were busy doling out the cash. Anko cackled as she collected her bets and the ones she placed for Yoruichi.

She could rig the bets, but she couldn't be seen collecting it if she wanted to keep the fact she knew about them quiet. The fact she gave her money to others in exchange for half the cut meant no one could technically pin the fact she had cheated back on her. As far as they could prove, she had loaned them money, and they were repaying her back with interest.

A fact Tsunade was quick to capitalize on, as her reputation towards gambling came back to haunt her. Or in this case, those who jumped to bet on whatever she wasn't betting on.

The odds had been stacked heavily on Iruka asking Yoru out, not the other way around...and now it was coming back full circle.

Needless to say the Legendary Sucker was rather pleased by this turn of events.

So was Naruto, who was part of the student betting rings. Most of the guys (barring Sasuke and Naruto, who knew Yoru better than that) had bet on Iruka, as did a good chunk of the girls. Shikamaru, who wanted nothing to do with who he thought would ask the other out, had offered to hold the bets in exchange for being left out. That way he got a part of the action without having to deal with the 'what if' scenarios.


	9. Chapter 9

Naruto was grinning. Sasuke looked exasperated and the other two boys looked rather confused.

"You want to what?" repeated Sasuke. He had come to see Naruto as a sort of pseudo-younger-brother. You know, the kind that's always getting into things and you have to drag his ass out of trouble all the freaking time?

"I want to see the Area 44."

"That's what I thought you said. Naruto-no-baka, are you _insane_?" said Sasuke.

"What? Anko goes in there all the time and you know how we're her favorite playthings. I figure if we can handle her playing tag, then Area 44 will be cake walk!"

Sasuke looked very much like he wanted to bang his head against something. Instead he does the smarter thing. He smacked Naruto on the head.

"OW!"

"And how exactly do you think we'll get _into_ an area that's covered by a twelve-foot fence?"

"We're shinobi, duh. We can just climb the thing!"

"We're still in the Academy, dumbass," said Sasuke.

"We can still climb it," said Naruto.

"Why are you so dead set on going there anyway?" asked Haku finally. The two had been watching the argument ping-pong back and forth.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

"I saw some foxes through the fence in there...and you know how the civvies look at foxes," he admitted.

Sasuke's annoyance softened a bit. Yoruichi had been stuck explaining what really happened to the fox when Naruto accidentally discovered his tenant while she taught him to meditate to calm some of his nervous energy down. And in an effort to bring the two closer together, she had Naruto explain it to Sasuke in order to keep from breaking the Sandaime's law, which had backfired spectacularly. Naruto then explained it to the three newcomers, mostly so they wouldn't freak if he had to tap into the fox's power.

The fact they didn't run away screaming had helped. A lot.

"If we go in and retrieve the foxes you saw, will you drop it?" he asked.

Naruto nodded.

"Fine. We'll go in once Yoru-nee is out on her date. Kami knows Anko will drag Kakashi with her. And you're the one who has to explain to her why we have them!" said Sasuke.

"Deal!"

"Count me out," said Kimimaro. He found a scroll earlier that morning with stances for a particularly intricate sword dance, and he wanted to read it.

Haku sighed.

"Someone has to help Sasuke reign you in," he said.

Sasuke looked at Haku gratefully.

* * *

"SHIT, SHIT, SHIT... DUCK AND COVER!" yelled Naruto.

They had gotten in surprisingly easily...however what Naruto failed to take into account was that Anko loved this place for a reason. There were several varieties of highly poisonous, _massive_ snakes living in said training ground. Needless to say Haku and Sasuke were going to have several _choice_ words with their fellow thirteen-year-old in addition to whatever chewing out their sister/mother gave them for this.

On the plus side, they did rescue the kitsune Naruto had spotted...at least once they got a good whiff of him and his tenant's chakra anyway. The only issue was that in convincing them he was trying to help, he had woken up several rather cranky and hungry snakes. Snakes bigger than the Academy. Snakes that even Anko wouldn't have pissed off as thoroughly as they had by accident. At least not without prior preparation to kill them for their venom at any rate.

Finally, the fence loomed in the horizon. The trio broke for it like the hounds of hell were on their trail...or in this case a very hungry pair of snakes that could eat them hole without having to chew.

Sasuke, in his desperation to escape the snakes knocked over a rather poorly made hawk's nest, enraging the occupant.

Even though the fence stopped the snakes, it did nothing to deter the hawk which proceeded to dive bomb the boy.

"Naruto, I blame you," said Haku.

Finally Sasuke caught the thing by the talons and glared at it in the eyes.

"Here's the deal bird. You either leave me alone or I rip your feathers out and feed you to those damn snakes."

The hawk glared right back at him. However to the surprise of the boys, instead of flying off once Sasuke let go of it's talons, it climbed onto his hand.

Naruto blinked.

"Hey, you don't think that's the messenger bird that went missing last month do you?"

"Huh?"

"Well some of the guys in the aviary were talking about how one of the more ornery birds went missing after the letter was shot off by some genin. The kid was chewed out pretty good by the Chunin in charge of the birds and made to clean it for three months until the cost of the bird was repaid," said Naruto.

Sasuke noticed the nest through the fence. It wasn't very well made, and he barely had any idea of what a hawk's nest should look like. If this hawk was one used to send messages, it would make sense that it didn't know how to do it properly.

Then the Uchiha boy gave the hawk a look.

"If you want to live at our estate rather than with the other birds, I could care less. But if you attack me I will turn you into fried bird. Got it?"

The hawk screeched at him, but didn't attack him.

Yoru's date went rather well, considering the amount of nosy biddies watching them. She collected on a second on-going bet by being the one to give the first good night kiss.

So it was understandable her eyebrows twitched rampantly upon finding her little brothers had gone into one of the most dangerous training grounds in the village and not only brought back three foxes, but a missing messenger hawk that seemed to have adopted Sasuke as it's new owner.

Fortunately she was in a relatively good mood. Enough not to chew them out right away.

They were still grounded for a week though. Only Kimimaro would be allowed to do more than go to the Academy or the training grounds under the strict supervision of Gai.

Considering she could have thrown them to Anko for a week and let her show them _more _of said forest as punishment, they got off light.

Kimimaro, once she knew of his interest in swords, promptly introduced him to another ANBU member from a noted kenjutsu clan. Once Sasuke and Naruto were done with their week-long punishment (or torture session considering it had been _Gai_ she had picked to supervise their taijutsu training) she then allowed them to return to their kenjutsu lessons with the man.

Sasuke had shown a surprising proficiency with the small tanto she had given him for his birthday, and Naruto's mother had been particularly skilled at kenjutsu.

Hayate actually didn't mind the mock-genin team Yoruichi had saddled him with. Partly because he had bet on her making the first move and not Iruka, but also because the academy students were actually _listening_ to him.

Considering they were slated to graduate in a year, there was every chance he might end up as their jounin sensei anyway.

Kakashi had finally been removed upon finding out that he had no clue how the hell to teach snot-nosed genin. He could barely tolerate being in the Academy for a demonstration of lightning chakra after he was blackmailed by Yoru.

Haku and Karin were going to be learning from Tsunade after showing a surprising ability towards iryojutsu. Yoru had caught Haku reading from the old scrolls she kept when she first started the prank, and a few tests showed the boy could control his chakra surprisingly well.

A few weeks after the incident where they suddenly gained four animals, Haku quietly approached Yoru about getting his own pet.

She did one better. She took both of the two boys she rescued from Kiri to a local animal shelter and told them to find something to care for and possibly train as a nin animal (if it could be trained). She had seen the looks they shot Naruto's new foxes and Sasuke's pet hawk.

(The chunin responsible for the birds was glad the hawk had been recovered, and instead of demanding the ornery creature be returned had chosen to give Sasuke training on how to care for and use a messenger bird. Apparently the hawk was a bit of a menace in the aviary. It was officially registered as Sasuke's new nin partner, but he was forbidden from bringing it to class primarily because of the fact it would react badly to the fangirl's shrieking.)

Haku left the place with a bunny with a nick in one ear, while Kimimaro somehow ended up with a certain furry menace and nearly gave Yoru a heart attack.

How the hell the bone-white haired boy found an exploding squirrel that wouldn't blow up on him, she had no idea. As long as he kept the evil thing away from her she would have no complaints.

(She would later find out that Kimimaro netted the odd 'Blast Squirrel' contract. Anko would bribe the boy to send the evil furballs after her boyfriend Kakashi, who was _terrified_ of the things for some reason he never explained.)

* * *

Yoruichi's eyes twitched.

"You want me to take a courier mission to Suna. Less than a week before the boys are supposed to take their first attempt at the Genin exam. With only Iruka to keep them in check."

The Hokage's wince only grew with each sentence.

The last time Yoruichi left the village, unprecedented hell was unleashed. This time Naruto and Sasuke would have _more_ accomplices.

"Could you ask them to tone it down?"

"Why? Naruto's pranks increase his ability to plan, Sasuke has yet to withdraw into depression because our parents and family are dead, and it gives the others a chance to interact with the village and learn valuable skills. Besides, if the ANBU are really unable to capture a group of _academy students_, then maybe they need to step up their own training. For kami's sake, the only one I've ever seen able to catch them other than me was Iruka! And he's a freaking Chunin!"

Privately the Hokage agreed completely. Publicly he couldn't say as much.

"Be that as it may, they do need to tone down some of their adventures."

"...I'll see what I can do."

And by that she meant she would tell them no more late night visits to training grounds without it being close to help. She was going to tell the kids to give the teachers hell while she was gone. All in the name of improving their shinobi skills of course.

* * *

Yoruichi stared down death in a tiny form. The youngest son of the Kazekage, Gaara, was not exactly a social child. After the betrayal of his uncle, Gaara wouldn't let anyone near him without trying to kill them.

She had chosen to enjoy her brief moment of peace to do a little moon watching, and, as if drawn to her unknown presence, Gaara arrived much to the horror of the ANBU watching him.

Outside of staring him down, she did nothing.

Soon, to the open relief of the observers, the two settled into a companionable silence of moon gazing.

Before Yoru left for Konoha, however, she does something that openly surprised the red head.

She gave him two rather innocuous books. One is about the stars and the stories behind their names...the other is a beginning book on pranks with a note inside that told him if he _really_ wanted to get back at the people who treated him like crap, then he should give them a reason to fear him other than killing.

Pranks would make the village hate him for an entirely different reason, but it would also improve his skills as a shinobi. Which was the main reason Yoru never told Naruto to stop doing them. Not to mention the grudges caused by pranking would be a lot less intense than the ones caused by Gaara's murderous tendencies.

Needless to say the Kazekage was torn between thanking her for giving Gaara a new hobby and something to do in the night hours...and cursing her for introducing his homicidal son to pranks.

His siblings weren't so torn. Temari and Kankuro would openly thank the Uchiha female for telling Gaara there were easier and more satisfying ways of getting back at people. At least now they weren't in fear for the lives...just their dignity.

Temari quickly proved she wasn't a fool like Kankuro, because she discovered bribing Gaara with books to read at night was a good way to keep him from practicing his new interest in pranks on her.


	10. Chapter 10

Naruto was practically bouncing in his seat. So was Karin.

Today was the day. The day they were finally allowed to take the genin exam with Yoru's permission.

Unlike the rest of their classmates, Naruto, Sasuke, Haku, Kimimaro and Karin all chose to skip last year's attempt because Yoruichi didn't think they were ready.

However this year there were a few changes to that. For one thing, Naruto had trained the kitsune he had saved (with help from Haku and Sasuke) into being his nin partners. They were as capable as an Inuzuka-bred dog. Sasuke's hawk partner had accepted the boy as his new partner...primarily because Sasuke flat out told the bird to either work with him or get roasted and fed to whatever manner of creature tried to eat him last. The bird apparently respected anyone who was more than happy to kill it if shown any disrespect from the avian.

Probably why the handlers had never gotten it to behave as well as Sasuke did.

Haku's pet rabbit, Monty, was the most terrifying bunny in the village. It scared even Kuromaru, Tsume's ninken partner. The girls had originally cooed at the rabbit when Haku dared to bring it to class...right up until it nearly tore a snake's head off when Anko sent one of her summons to keep the kiddie patrol on their toes.

Karin was guaranteed to become a genin. She had recently gotten her level one iryonin license. The genin exam was just a formality at this point...and because she wanted to pass with her favorite cousin.

Thirteen was usually considered the cut off for genin, primarily because the kiddies wasted their three tries too quickly. The Academy had a firm three strikes you're out deal, but it did allow for error which was why there was a six-month period where the students could try for an apprenticeship with a jounin to bypass the team and still become shinobi.

Strangely the only ones who ever tried this were the shinobi raised, usually because their parents told them about it. It wasn't like they were trying to keep the civilians out of the force, but they weren't advertising it either. Plus the first Hokage believed that not broadcasting it would show how much initiative the failures had and a chance to prove they were worthy of _being_ genin in the first place.

If they were too lazy to find alternate teacher after passing the exam _once_, then they were too lazy to be shinobi anyway.

Yakumo was nervous as well. Despite Yoruichi finding the real problem with her family's ability and correcting it with a simple seal (thus allowing her to become a specialized shinobi) she had been told that once she graduated she would be put on the same team as Kimimaro and Haku instead of Sasuke and Naruto like originally planned.

This was because Karin's skills worked better with the other two boys than Yakumo's did, while she complimented Haku and Kimimaro.

Besides, it would provide the boys with an extra tie to Konoha, considering Karin was originally from Kusa.

Sadly Yoruichi was not at the Academy for the graduation exam. Something had come up during her last extensive physical, so Tsunade told her she had to come down to the hospital or else.

Shinobi were required to get a full body physical at least _once_ a year to insure they were in peak condition. Some, like Kakashi, had to be dragged kicking and screaming before they would do it. Others, like Gai, had to be sedated before they even could be brought in.

She would be there after, time permitting.

* * *

Tsunade pulled out the X-rays.

"This...is not good at all."

"What exactly is it?"

"We're not entirely sure. I only just caught it while I was checking your lungs and I noticed they were slightly off," admitted Tsunade. "We tested your blood and found out that the white-cell count is abnormally high. Usually we see this in the Sarutobi clan after a few years of smoking..."

Yoru paled.

"You don't think..."

"We'll keep an eye on it, but until then we're going to run another diagnostic on your blood and lungs to be sure."

"Will I be able to make it for the chibi patrol once they graduate?"

Because the Hokage agreed to return the standards back to the way they originally were (they were revamped by the council before he could stop them...he was using the last official graduating class as an excuse for why he was reversing that decision...only one team _passed_ at all) the kids had to wait an extra year before they were allowed to try their luck at getting the coveted hitai-ate.

Personally Yoru thought it was about damn time, as it was quickly apparent that the 'revised' Academy curriculum had only made their genin weaker, not stronger. Naruto in particular shot up to one of the top students, as the old grading system wasn't nearly as dependent on written exams.

However it did force the fan girls to actually _train _and drop those ridiculous diets. Inoichi was particularly pleased his daughter had to drop the diet because she was about to fall into the lower ranks of the class.

Sakura Haruno, a girl Naruto originally had a one-sided crush on because she was the only one who was nice to him, ended up losing her spot as the top kunoichi.

The top three in the class were now Karin, Hinata and Yakumo.

* * *

"So any idea why Tsunade-baa-chan called Yoru-nee in?" asked Naruto.

Most (if not all) of those close to Yoruichi called Tsunade 'Baa-chan' after Naruto gave her that nickname. So long as she didn't have to mother any children in the next few years, she could live with the nickname. To be fair, she wasn't sure she _could_ have any kids with how many poisons, hits and wounds she had taken over the years. Not to mention she was close to fifty as it was.

"No idea. Anyway pay attention dumbass! If you're going to graduate with us then listen to what they're saying!" said Sasuke.

"But it's soooo boring!"

Sasuke slapped him on the head. While Haruno once had a bad habit of hitting Naruto whenever he did something to irritate her, Sasuke only did it when Naruto was being an idiot.

At least his slaps didn't hurt nearly as bad as Haruno's punches.

Suddenly the door opened to reveal... Anko and Kakashi?

"What are you two doing here?" asked Mizuki.

"Hokage-sama asked us to do the evaluation of the newest crop since they had to skip a year thanks to be put back on the older standards," said Anko.

Iruka knew the truth. While that was their cover, the real reason was that the Hokage didn't want the teacher's bias against Naruto to keep him from earning his headband. Kakashi and Anko, while partial to him, also wouldn't pull any punches. If he needed another year, then he would be stuck another year.

If he could pull it out of his ass, then he was going to get a real treat...his father's hitai-ate.

"Alright brats! Here's how the graduation exam is gonna work! Now the standards you're used to had you do a long ass paper test, two minutes sparring with a genin, and the clone jutsu. The old standards are what we're going to be holding you to today," said Anko.

She walked up to the board and listed them.

"Since Kakashi and I are jounin and are here today on loan, you have the option of three minutes with a genin, two with one of your teachers who won't be holding any punches, or four minutes with Kakashi since Yoru-chan banned me from traumatizing you lot."

"Thank kami..." muttered one of the kids. Anko grinned at Naruto.

"Next will be a paper test which will examine your knowledge of life outside the village, as well as you ability to function as a ninja. Basically it's 'what would you do in this situation' series of essays. Word of advice, we're looking for creativity and within reasonable limits of what a shinobi can do to get out of sticky situations."

Naruto perked up at that.

"Finally the standard jutsu. Because we're holding you to the older standards, you are allowed to substitute clan or unusual jutsu to demonstrate whether or not you can handle being a ninja. And since we're tired of hearing complaints from the Civilian council about the fact only those of shinobi breeding making it past the final genin exam, there is a six month waiting period for those who don't make it past their instructor's tests. If you're smart, you'll figure out why we wait six months. If not, then you're still not cut out for life as a shinobi. Any questions? No? Good."

Anko clearly ignored the raised hand of Sakura Haruno.

Iruka sighed. At least she made it short, sweet...and didn't traumatize them too much. Now that the introduction and explanation was out of the way, Iruka and Mizuki started handing out test sheets.

Naruto, within seconds of seeing his, immediately raised his hand.

"Yes, minion?" asked Anko.

"I think I got the wrong test sheet," he said.

Iruka, who was closest, walked over to where Naruto was and looked at it.

"How in the world did you get the advanced placement test sheet? There weren't supposed to be any in that pile..." he said in disbelief. He handed Naruto the _right_ paper, and the boy promptly began working.

Two hours later, the teens all filed out to the court yard where there was a ring. Most of the civilian raised students opted to try their luck with the genin. Some of the shinobi raised kids chose the chunin instructors.

Naruto, Sasuke, Kimimaro, Haku, and a particularly dense Kiba all chose to fight the jounin. Kiba barely lasted the required time limit before Anko put him out of his misery.

Naruto, true to his tricky nature, managed to keep Kakashi on his toes. Sasuke opted to use an doton jutsu and disappeared until the time limit was reached when he chose to spar against Anko. Kimimaro simply drew his bone sword and fought head-to-head with Anko. Haku? He stole Kakashi's book and threatened to set it on fire if he didn't admit defeat.

As Yoruichi often said, the only time it was considered cheating was if _you_ weren't the one who was doing it.

"Last requirement! The jutsu test!"

Anko and Kakashi stood watch while Iruka and Mizuki sat by the table with the hitai-ate.

One by one the students either performed the Academy three (clone, replacement and henge) or they performed one of the three and at least two jutsu that were C rank that weren't taught at the school.

For the most part the test seemed to go well...at least, until Naruto walked in.

"Clone, replacement, henge, or one of the three and two C rank ninjutsu or genjutsu."

Naruto replaced himself with Kakashi, used the shadow clone...and for a little extra kick, a technique that made Zabuza Momochi of the Hidden Mist famous as an assassin. (He learned it from Yoruichi and Kakashi helped to fine tune it.)

"Wait with the others Naruto. We have to tally up the scores," said Iruka.

In order not to get their hopes up, they wouldn't hand out the headbands right there like they did before. Instead the teachers (along with the two jounin) would tally up the scores and then call their names.

"Well? How did you do?"

"Shadow clone and hidden mist technique. No way I didn't pass it this time!" said Naruto proudly.

"You actually managed to pull off the hidden mist?" said Haku.

"Well...mostly. I didn't really have enough water to cover the room, but I was able to cover my body and two feet around me!"

"Did I miss anything?" asked a tired voice.

The children clamored up to see Yoruichi, who looked downright exhausted.

"What did baa-chan have to say?" asked Naruto.

"They might have found something in my x-rays, but they have to wait to be sure. It might be nothing," said Yoruichi.

"You look tired Yoru-nee?"

"I have been feeling off lately," said Yoruichi. And since they were still early in their relationship, she knew she wasn't pregnant.

It seemed like her energy levels were off, and she got tired more easily.

She did manage to stay awake until the kids went to bed.

At least this time Naruto passed with one of the highest scores in the Academy.

* * *

Yoruichi sat on the bed awaiting Tsunade's diagnosis. Normally she would be upbeat and friendly, but this morning she had coughed up blood for no reason. She was rightly terrified.

Tsunade came in.

"Now, we took some samples and had them tested..."

"It's bad isn't it?"

Tsunade kept her best poker face one. Yoruichi could tell something was definitely wrong just by that.

"The good news is we caught it early...the bad news is that it seems using the Sharingan exasperates it for some reason. Now, we will have to pull you from active duty for two months at least. Only light taijutsu exercise and chakra control until we see if this can be cured. Which means you won't be able to train the minions for a few months."

"What about shadow clones?"

"Well I suppose you could substitute the shadow clones for chakra control...but I would only allow _one_ a day, if that."

"Mine can last for weeks. It's how I kept Yoruichi a secret from everyone," she said proudly.

"Only _one_," said Tsunade.

"Great...the chibi patrol _finally_ graduates and now I'm stuck on maternity and critical injury status," said Yoruichi sourly. The only ones who got stuck on light chakra control and taijutsu were those critically injured, or kunoichi who were having a child and still wanted to remain on active duty.

"Look at the bright side...at least you'll be able to catch up on your reading," said Tsunade.

"True."


	11. Chapter 11

_**Okay, since I forgot to add this last time: I totally borrowed that line about children being monsters without the teeth and claws from another story called "Ice and Darkness" by Racke. Hilarious and absolutely worth favoriting if you want a good laugh at Kakashi's misfortune, Sasuke's insanity, Sakura being drugged and drunk to the gills, and the usual amount of craziness around Naruto.**_

* * *

"Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Karin, Uzumaki Naruto... You will be team four and your sensei will be Uchiha Yoruichi."

"YES!" shouted Naruto.

"However, due to medical concerns, your sensei will be unavailable for a week. You will have to wait until she is available," said Iruka.

"Is this because Yoruichi-nee-sama had something come up on her last physical?" asked Naruto.

Iruka said nothing, but it was pretty clear that was the reason.

"Yuki Haku, Kaguya Kimimaro, Yakumo Kurama, you will be team five. Your sensei will be Mitarashi Anko," said Iruka.

Anko wanted to try her hand at a genin team, and since two of the three were from outside the village, this kept people from worrying that the two boys would defect back to their old village.

Iruka went down the list. Once all the children were paired off with their teachers, team four were allowed to leave. Since Yoruichi was dealing with a medical issue, they had the week off before they had to take the final genin exam.

"So any idea why Yoru-nee had to be put on Critical Injury/Maternity leave?" asked Naruto.

"I don't know, but I think it had something to do with the bloody towel I found in the hamper a few days ago."

"What's so weird about that?" asked Karin.

"She wasn't injured and she hadn't taken a shower that morning," explained Sasuke.

"I'm pretty sure I heard coughing from the bathroom too," said Naruto.

"Why do they call it Critical Injury/Maternity leave?" asked Karin.

"Because the only conditions that require that level of restriction are those who have a critical injury, illness, or pregnant mothers. So they just put it together to make it easier to classify," said Sasuke.

* * *

"The bad news...it's lung cancer. We usually only see this in Sarutobi members who smoke. The strange thing is that using the Sharingan seems to exacerbate it and make the disease progress faster than normal. This might have been an issue, but you rarely use your eyes except for emergencies or to learn new jutsu from enemies. The good news is that we caught this early enough that it's treatable. You'd have to restrict your Sharingan for the first six months or so, but after that you should be fine. We'd have to keep an eye out in the event it returns, but at least you had the sense to seek help immediately rather than wait," said Tsunade.

"So basically no using the eyes until the kids are at least in their first attempt at the Chunin exams in seven months," said Yoru.

"Exactly. If you have to use them, keep their use limited and do not use the upgraded version. That only made it progress three times faster for some reason."

"Considering you found a way to reverse the damage done to my sight when it's active, that's more than enough reason for me to avoid it."

Unlike other members of her clan, Yoruichi generally didn't _use_ her doujutsu. It was partly because she didn't like the way her clan used to just _learn_ a jutsu and move on without actually practicing with it to make it theirs, but also because she generally didn't leave the village. With how hard it was to train iryonin, she stayed in the village to earn money instead of going on missions. She kept her skills up by training the boys and recently the girls.

Sure, she occasionally went out of the village, but it wasn't nearly as often as before and at least this time she got to know her fellow shinobi instead of acting like an emotionless drone all the time.

When she returned home, she found herself swarmed by the chibi brigade, as she had come to call it.

"Yoruichi-nee, is there something you haven't been telling us?" asked Sasuke seriously. It was so cute when he tried to be intimidating...with the hair that looked like a duck had sat on his his head and liked it so much that it stayed. Sasuke's scowl only grew as he recognized the look in her eyes. "Quit thinking my hair looks like a duck's ass!"

Naruto snickered, but still remained serious.

"But Sasuke-chan, your hair looks like a duck sat on it and stayed!" said Yoruichi with wide eyes.

"No changing the subject Yoru-nee. Why did they put you on Critical Injury leave?"

She looked them in the eyes and sighed.

"The physical turned up something that didn't belong and seems to get worse from using the Sharingan. While it's treatable it also means that I can't use my doujutsu for very long without making it worse. It should be fine by the time you three reach the chunin exam, if you pass the final genin test."

Sasuke's expression was priceless.

"Wait, you're saying whatever this is was made worse by the Sharingan?!"

"Certain diseases don't mix with doujutsu. Cancer is one of them," said Yoruichi. Seeing how freaked out Sasuke was, Yoruichi sighed. "When you awaken your eyes I can tell you what to look for just in case."

That seemed to calm him down.

"What's this about a final genin exam?"

"The first one at the Academy merely weeds out the ones not even worthy of trying. It's a failsafe to make sure the civilians at least have the minimum of training and was originally started to weed out the damn fangirl population. The second one is field testing."

"We already went through field testing at the Academy!"

"But this is primarily temperament and ability. Do the genin interact with each other in an acceptable way? Can they handle a live battle where death is an option? Are they going to be arguing all the time for petty reasons? That sort of thing. You should be glad it's me testing you next week and not Kakashi. He's never passed a single team because he hates children and always does his best to make sure they fail without pissing off Hokage-sama."

"How does he do that?"

"It's called the bell test. For genin who have a small amount of teamwork it's a good way to put them to the test. However Kakashi has this irritating habit of picking those he _knows_ do not like each other, will actively sabotage each other, and then pitting them against one another in an attempt to look underneath the underneath. To put that into perspective, imagine if Sasuke, Naruto and that Sakura girl were on a team...then tell them that only _two_ may become genin while the third returns to the Academy. What would happen?"

Sasuke and Naruto winced.

"She would fawn over me and attempt to sabotage Naruto because she can't stand him, even if he quit asking her out on dates," said Sasuke.

"Which is why Kakashi would fail you. He would attempt to recreate his original genin team, and since it would ultimately fail because Sakura would have great difficulty losing her fan girl issues, it would be a ticking time bomb before one of you snapped. Now I have to undergo a few procedures to get rid of the problem, and I won't be putting you through the same things...but I suppose I can deliver an alternate test for you three."

Karin, Sasuke and Naruto perked up.

"In order to pass the secondary exam, you have to discover one thing. What was Konoha's shinobi system founded upon, and why does it make us different from places such as Kirigakure or Iwagakure? I'll give you only one hint...it's something the Academy, up until recently, hadn't been emphasizing until we brought back the old curriculum," said Yoruichi.

The Civilian Council, who were the primary idiots for nearly ruining the Konoha shinobi genin, had taken away several classes that actually forced the children to learn teamwork without deliberately telling them that was what it was for. Classes where they were paired with others and forced to survive for a full day alone with only minimal supervision from the instructors.

They didn't like how it was harder for the civilian children to become shinobi, so they had lowered the standards down in a way that the shinobi hadn't noticed until it was too late.

These kids were nothing if not inventive. Hearing they didn't have to go through the same tests everyone else did, they split off to ask the older shinobi what made Konoha different from places like Iwa and Kiri.

If it meant Yoru could have an easier time with the surgery later, then she didn't mind having them run around asking questions as her test.

* * *

Yoruichi wasn't the only one twitching with repressed laughter. A good portion of the shinobi council was too, especially Tsume.

"Okay, I give. How the hell did you traumatize half the civvies so bad that they had to see the Yamanaka clan for therapy?" asked Yoru looking at her brother.

Without hesitation, all three of her genin immediately pointed at one of the others stating "It was their idea!"

She snickered.

"Alright you three, what did you do?" asked the Hokage, also trying not to smile.

"Are we going to be punished for this?" asked Naruto.

There was a time and place for the truth, especially for shinobi. That time was never and that place only existed as a rumor.

"Not if you come clean."

"Someone, not saying us, may have insinuated that certain council members had their houses on fire," said Naruto with an innocent face.

"We were with Haku and Yakumo's group eating at that Yakiniku place since we were sick of ramen," said Sasuke.

"We might have seen someone running out of the smoke-filled houses with a lot of incriminating evidence though," said Karin without any of the usual tells.

"And the fact that said council members happened to have innocent smoke bombs and not fire in their houses?"

"Smoke bombs?" said Naruto.

"We prefer real explosives, not that cheap stuff," said Sasuke.

"We had nothing to do with what happened," said Karin.

Yoru couldn't help it, she started laughing.

"What do you think, Hokage-sama? Do they fit the usual requirements for Kakashi's test?"

The Hokage quit trying to hide his amusement.

"Well they're showing more solidarity and teamwork than half the green genin..."

"And it saves me the trouble of having to test them later," said Yoru.

The three looked at them expectantly.

"Congratulations you three. Consider yourselves genin."

"What about what happened earlier?"

"Unless they can prove it was you, we're going to pretend it was a harmless Academy Student prank," said the Hokage.

"I love plausible deniability," said Naruto grinning.

"So do I, so do I," said the Hokage and Yoru.

* * *

"Let me get this straight. We had to get a flag from Kurenai...and all you had to do was prank the crap out of some civvies?" said Kiba.

"Who said we did it? However we may or may not have been in the areas at the time," said Karin with a straight face.

"Dammit...you guys have all the luck!" said Kiba.

"You too could prank the shit out of some whiny idiots if you learn the cardinals rules of shinobi pranks," said Naruto sagely.

Kiba was listening, as was Shino and Hinata.

"Rule one: there is a time and place for the truth. The time is never and that place exists only in rumors. If you're good enough and cover your ass right, then they'll never pin it on you. Plausible deniability is a wonderful concept that all shinobi live by," said Naruto.

"Rule two: a good shinobi can brag about his deeds so long as he doesn't go crowing to the rooftops about what he did. At least not unless your victim is in another village or better yet dead with no descendants, friends or lovers to avenge them," said Sasuke.

"And rule three: if someone really pisses you off, make a list of offenses and then bide your time until they piss someone else off. Then you can shift the blame to that poor bastard unless they get to them first," chirped Karin.

Team 8 stared at them.

"What?" asked Karin.

"...You put a lot of thought into pranking others don't you?" said Shino finally.

"Let's just say our jounin instructor doesn't mind encouraging a harmless hobby so long as it never comes back to bite them in the ass," said Naruto.

"You suck," said Kiba.

"That's what your mom and sister said last night, dog-breath," said Sasuke.

"DIE!"

"Wow Kiba, I always knew you were gay," said Naruto, cackling as they evaded the Inuzuka. Hinata snickered.


End file.
